This is my journey through the forest of infertility as I attempt to become a mom as the third wheel.
Friday, February 27, 2009
I had an appointment today with my wonderful therapist, S. I recounted the story of the hospital experience and explained that I've had a rush of every possible emotion over this past week. I'm devastated, hopeful, depressed, and elated at possibility. I explained to her that I keep debating adoption versus surrogacy. After I finished what felt like a two hour monologue, she looked at me and said "Well, how do you expect you'll make a decision?" I don't know lady, that's why I'm here! I always know exactly what I want, I'm a very decisive person. I know where I want to vacation, what I want for dinner, my favorite ice cream flavor, what I want to watch on TV, which book I want to read next. I can easily make decisions, even major decisions, without excessive effort and very quickly. I'm afraid something is wrong if I can't make the decision between surrogacy or adoption as definitively as I can determine if I want Pumpkin Pie ice cream or Butter Pecan. Today, I'd choose pumpkin pie. Tomorrow, perhaps butter pecan. Aye, there's the rub. I feel like my decision is mutually exclusive. If I choose surrogacy I am not forever indebted to surrogacy. If it fails, we turn to adoption. If I don't like it before we start, we proceed to adopt. I will not be held hostage by my decision. If we spend tens of thousands of dollars on failed surrogacy attempts, there is no doubt we will find a way to scrape up the money to adopt. I've been so afraid of making a decision because of fear of the decision I'm not choosing...what if that one was the better decision to make? Well, then I make it next time. It's like what Oprah always says, "You can have everything. You just can't everything all at once."
Hysterectomy. Oopherectomy. We tried surrogacy. Failed. Sort-of tried adoption and it sort-of failed. Matched with a surrogate for a year to find out insurance won't cover the pregnancy. Not sure what's next...