Thursday, February 12, 2009

Therapy, anyone?

Jason & I have an appointment tonight at our therapist. We started seeing her when the grief of IF really became more than we could handle. As I've stated before, our quest for a baby had began long before we were even married. Once we finally tied the knot, (and domestic surrogacy was out of the picture), I immediately was ready to adopt. Jason, on the other hand, wanted to (and still wants to), "enjoy marriage". We're going on more vacations this year than we can probably afford (a cruise in mid-March, a week in Disney in May, and 10 days in Disney in October. Did I mention we're going to Disney? As a side note: I love Disney World! And, my mom just bought a house there that she's renting out. I love it! Check it out) Ok, back to the point). So, Jason wants to enjoy marriage and I want a baby the breakdown finally got to be too much and we sought help from a therapist. She's been incredibly helpful and understands the struggles of IF more than I thought was possible from any fertile person. Jason & I saw her for several months and then slowly started to see her less and less. I, however, continue to see her weekly as the pain of IF has yet to lessen and being that a few months ago one of my best friends & 2 sister in laws were all pregnant at the same time...I was ready for a nervous-no-baby breakdown and therapy is still much needed.

We're going to see S (the therapist) again tonight-together. This is a major decision, flying half way around the world for a baby, and I want to be sure we're doing this for the right reasons...that we're selecting a 'chance' at surrogacy over adoption for the right reasons, and that we're both on the same page. I truly think I'm more afraid of this than I have been of anything. I've been a proven failure in the reproduction department. I'm afraid anything I touch that is semi-related to baby making is destined to fail.

....but, I hate turning away from something because I'm afraid. Afraid? Of what? I'm already a 25 year old in menopause without a single female organ in her body...what else is there to be afraid of? What's the worst that happens-I can't have a baby? No f'ing surprise there! I hate magnets on the refrigerator and I'm certain that even when I'm a mom I will not plaster my appliances with pictures my kids created stuck by ugly magnets. However, on the side of our fridge, tucked away at the very edge is a black magnet (our fridge is black so it's disguised) that says "What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail? -Author Unknown". A powerful question, one I'm not sure I'm prepared to answer yet. ...

What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?

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