Sunday, February 15, 2009

Why am I doing this to myself?

I really wonder if my pursuit to attempt surrogacy is more about what I'm missing than about what advantages I think might be available to my baby. I know-duh! I'm sure this thought is obvious for those who have really seriously considered surrogacy, but I'm still in the "why" stages of considering it. Why do I want to do it? Why do I want to create another life when there are babies available to adopt (yes, it takes a long time, but they are still available). Why do I want to risk so much for a baby that isn't even genetically mine anyway? I get it, I really do, want to look into the eyes of my baby and see my husband, or watch her read a book and realize she loves to read like I do. My dh is 6'7", I definitely want to create a baby that will have his athleticism and hopefully some of his red hair. I want that and I realize I will likely never have it. I'm not about to venture into surrogacy so I can naively think a baby that is 1/2 Indian and 1/2 my dh will somehow turn out to be a 6'7" red head. The possibility of that is unlikely. So, if the baby probably won't look like him...what are the other reasons?

Do I really think the genetics of an egg donor are far superior than our future birthmother? Nope. I don't. Additionally, I have proof that this stuff doesn't always work out like we envision. A close friend donated eggs to her cousin and 2 were implanted (at different times), which resulted in two beautiful children, one of which has downs. They probably attempted an egg donor knowing they would have all knowledge about her medical history and they would likely avoid any unknown medical problems. I want control, but I'm only tricking myself into thinking surrogacy gives me more control. I need to learn to understand God is the only one with true control and he's upstairs laughing at my attempts to control what ultimately lies in His hands.

I want to be pregnant and that will never happen. I want to feel my baby kick and I somehow think that being able to watch a surrogate lay on the table and see my baby kick in her stomach will make me feel better. I'm not sure it will. I need to learn to trust that God has a plan beyond my understanding. If I want to do surrogacy for reasons other than control, then I think I should do it. But, if I'm choosing it because I think I'm really going to control the destiny of my future child...I should keep dreaming!

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