The Illusion of Control?

Ever since my ovaries were removed, we thought we had abandoned the idea of surrogacy. What was the point if we couldn't create a biological child? Just over a week ago, I had an appointment with my therapist in which I expressed this strange sense of disconnect with other people considering adoption. It seems, through reading blogs, forums, and books, that many PAP (Potential Adoptive Parents) imagine the ideal situation for adoption is that they get "the call" in which the agency says "your baby has been born, TPR has been signed, come pick him up!". While I agree that it would be the most amazing phone call of my life, it's not my ideal adoption scenario. I instead envision a phone call that says "a young, healthy, newly pregnant girl has seen your profile and she'd like to meet you...and of course, she's available to meet you immediately because we understand you have no patience and couldn't handle the anxiety if you had to wait for an appointment to be scheduled." We meet, fall deeply in love (as PAP's and Emom's can do), and she invites me to attend every single doctor's appointment, I listen to the heartbeat along with her, receive ultrasound pictures of the baby just for me, and we even get pedicures together in our spare time. I can rub her belly and talk to the baby whenever I want, I receive copies of every prenatal test, every blood test and I can even discuss the results with the physician. Of course, I have complete confidence the entire time she's pregnant that she won't change her mind, and her boyfriend is completely supportive of the decision and has allowed us to receive his medical records for our files. I'm in the delivery room, Jason cuts the cord, she visits the baby in our home and is delighted with the joy that this infant has brought to our lives. She comes to the first birthday party and everyone knows that she is the angel who made me a mother. She proceeds to attend college where she meets her one true love and we're invited to the wedding. I'm one of the first people she calls when she finds out she and her husband are expecting their first baby together. Suddenly, my body feels as if its on fire as I experience yet another hot flash and am reminded that reality is much more harsh than my dreams.

I feel like surrogacy might be an option that suits us better than adoption because I feel like I have more control. I realize that our adoption situation is unlikely to mimic the one in my dreams. But, do I really have control? Am I considering surrogacy with the belief in the illusion of control? When I met with S, our therapist, I told her I wanted to really understand my reasons for choosing one over the other. Why do I want to fly half way around the world, spend tens of thousands of dollars, risk the uncertainty of an egg donor that we receive limited information on, all for a chance at a pregnancy? Oh, and then, we actually have to stay pregnant for 9 months and pray to God that we deliver a healthy baby (and hope that doesn't happen before I arrive in India for the delivery!). Why? Why do I want to do that? Why do I want to spend the first month of my child's life in a foreign country? What makes surrogacy such a better option than adoption that all of that is worth it? Do I really have more control or do I have a stronger illusion of control? I need an answer to this question, I need to find peace. I'm not risking all of our money, all of our time, just because I'm somehow tricked into thinking I have more control when I really don't. And, who's tricking me anyway? No one! It's my own mind, attempting to control anything I can because I realize I've lost total control of my becoming a mother. Women should have control over that. We've been liberated; we fought for the right to choose, the popularity of birth control pills, the right to not spend our lives as uneducated, barefoot, and pregnant in the kitchen. I want the choice that nearly every woman has; the choice to decide exactly when I'll be a mom and under what conditions and how many children I'll have. I want that choice without considering the genetics of an egg donor, selective reduction, or the inequity of an underdeveloped country. What woman needs a history lesson about Asia before she can adequately contemplate conceiving her firstborn?

Does either situation give me more control than the other? I'm not sure it does, I think they both equally give and relinquish control in similar porportions but different senarios. The control, or lack of it, is manifested by different means but exists all the same. So, how do I choose? I'm no further in my understanding in what choice to make. This is annoying me.