Laid off

I work for a small business that is owned by my mom and her business partner. Business is slow, which is no surprise, and after several attempts to cut wages and reduce benefits it is still not enough. Myself, my mom, and her partner have all laid ourselves off. We will be able to collect unemployment and the company will save the cost of our salaries. We can pay our bills without my salary but we certainly cannot afford to save for our surrogacy journey which officially begins in 423 days, give or take a day or two.

The solution seems to be to begin looking for a job that I actually will get paid to go to work for. The problem is I can't seem to get myself to do so. I'm sick about the thought of leaving here. It was the plan (which was the first mistake) that I would work here and once the baby arrived I could work from home. I cannot contemplate the thought of leaving my child everyday. The job offers me the most amazing flexibility. Generally, I don't like my job and I'm overqualified for it, but I love what it offers to my future family which is the only reason I'm here. There is a great possibility that the salary reduction will not be enough and we will not have enough business to keep our doors open. That frightens me. This business has been going strong since 1925, we are well established and well known but so is Chrysler, and GM, and thousands of other businesses in the metro Detroit area that have closed their doors. For now, we're trying to adjust our budget to accommodate our new salaries and remain as optimistic as possible. I need this job, my sanity and future needs this job. So much of my ability to drag myself up from the floor of depression has been knowing what a wonderful lifestyle we have established for a baby. The salary loss came on the same day that we turned in our lease and purchased a brand new "family" car. My dh is 6'7" so any vehicle we buy has to be "big", but our new Ford Expedition is exceptionally big, it's the kind of big you only buy if you are pregnant, are planning to be soon, or have already been a dozen times before. We're planning a pregnancy soon and we bought the car to show it. I will pray for strength, peace, and understanding as I do believe that every roadblock is God's way to direct us to follow the path He intends for us. I believe that today, I hope I can continue that tomorrow.

I'll cry if I want to

My birthday was this week and I couldn't help but remember the song "it's my party and I'll cry if I want to." It was my birthday and I didn't want to celebrate, I wanted to be miserable because I don't have what I want most on my birthday. I didn't want anyone to sing to me, I didn't want another day of artificial happiness induced by others needs and not my own. I wanted to cry. I wanted to throw my gifts back and tell everyone that I'm only pretending to be happy because the gift I want most isn't anything anyone can buy me. I didn't. I was polite, I offered thanks each time someone wished me a happy birthday, and I told my husband that the hot stone massage he booked me during our vacation next week was the perfect gift. I lied.

To add to my birthday excitement, I had to take a significant pay cut at work. Of course, all I could think about is how this would effect our plan to save enough money in time for surrogacy next year. I know that we're blessed that we both have jobs still, but I could help but feel a little pissed off that yet again forces beyond my control are managing the conditions surrounding becoming a mommy. I get so mad at myself that this is all about money, but then I realize, it is all about money! It takes a lot of money to be a mom when you don't have a uterus or ovaries! I need that extra money to save for our surrogacy journey. I don't really have a Plan B, but I suppose I should begin to consider other ways to manage our budget so we can still reach our savings goals.

I'm so proud of M, she graduated from college this week! She'll be taking her boards within a month or so and she'll officially be a registered nurse! She had a 3.57 GPA! We haven't spoken as often as I would like because she's been so busy with finishing school. I hope we can talk more often now that she won't be in school and doing clinicals. She's looking for a job, hopefully on the L&D floor, which I happen to think is really cool to have a TS that is an RN on the L&D floor. I will be going to her graduation party, date still TBD. I need to find a gift that is personal, but not too personal, and somewhat 'nurse' appropriate.

Weighing the options

Of course, my mind won't stop thinking of India, surrogacy, babies, adoption, and there's a little bit of space left to think about our upcoming vacation in 40 days.

We were confident that we would adopt. I didn't think there was a reason to pursue surrogacy if we couldn't produce a child that was biologically related to both of us. I truly wonder how I got back on this path. I'm frustrated, the infertility rollercoaster is a rough ride with dozens of seemingly impossible choices to be made. The adoption rollercoaster isn't much different, but I've experienced the heartwrenching disappointments of the IF journey that I'm hopeful the adoption journey wouldn't be so tainted. There are many success stories on both sides; couples waiting only a few days for "the call" and have their baby in their arms just hours later and couples that experience a textbook pregnancy after their first IVF. I have little confidence in my body's ability, so thank God we'd be using an egg donor.

There is a baby at the end of an adoption journey. That same guarantee isn't so with surrogacy. I know many couples that have experienced failed domestic adoptions or were in the midst of an international adoption when the country closed its doors, but knowing we would be pursuing domestic adoption and we've already done our research, there would be a baby at the end. It might be a long wait, and we may experience failed matches, miscarriages, or a birthmother's change of heart, but eventually there is a baby.

There might be a baby at the end of surrogacy. Do we gamble with every penny we have (and don't have) to take the route that is less certain? There are some amazing possibilities with surrogacy. I'm most attracted to knowning that our baby receives excellent pre-natal care and the connection that we can have to our developing baby during the pregnancy. I want to see the first ultrasound, hear the heartbeat, and know the second my child joins this world. I want to know the surrogate is caring for herself, that excellent physicans are ensuring her health, and all the necessary tests are being done during the pregnancy. I can't get those guarantees with adoption.

What if we spend everything we have and there isn't a pregnancy? We fly half way around the world and come home childless. How would we ever afford adoption? How long would it take us to save the funds to adopt? How many times would we attempt pregnancy if we weren't successful the first time? And, then, there's the actual pregnancy. Getting pregnant is only half the battle, then we must stay pregnant. What are the chances we'd have a successful pregnancy that ends with a healthy baby?

How many zeros?

It's an unfortunate reality of infertility that much of the decisions to be made are largely based on cost. I never thought that money would play such an integral role in my decision to become a parent.

I have extensively researched adoption. Since the adoption laws in our state are horrible, we know we would adopt out of state, which adds significant costs because we'd need to stay in that state until ICPC clears which could be several weeks. If there are any complications with the TPR, the stay could be longer. We've estimated that adoption would cost us approximately $30,000, give or take $5-10,000. The great part about adoption is that we know, in the end, there will be a baby. However, the sad reality is that the baby is almost certainly exposed to nicotine in utero and possibly other drugs, extensive stress, and the chances are high that the birthmother will not have a diet rich in essential vitamins and minerals. That is very difficult for us to accept. As much as I love Cold Stone, I know I wouldn't be putting anything in my body that wasn't organic, vegetarian food if I was pregnant. I don't even allow people to smoke cigarettes around my pets, I certainly am not comfortable with my baby being trapped in a bubble filled with second hand smoke for 9 months.....I digress, I'm off topic. So, the point is, we estimate the costs to be $30,000, of which a possible $10,000 is "at risk", meaning if the birthmother changes her mind prior to the TPR we will have lost that money.

Surrogacy in the states is priced out of most people's range. Since the insurance companies are quickly catching on, most insurance clauses now exclude surrogacy which means the IP (intended parent) is responsible for buying the surrogate an insurance policy (the cost is unreal, since you're buying insurance for a soon-t0-be pregnant woman) or paying for the prenatal, labor & delivery out of pocket (anyone ever looked at their hospital bill before?). So, surrogacy in India is an option that is possibly affordable for us. I emailed one of the clinics today (to remain nameless at this point) to get a breakdown of their fee structure. Here it is:

Stage I (A+B) $ 8,900
(Surrogate booking; Agreement; IVF / ICSI procedure; Pregnancy test)
Surrogate investigations, preparation, endometrial priming & booking
Legal (agreement) charges
Follicular monitoring, Procedural (IVF / ICSI) charges, Hospital stay, semen freezing, ET, surrogate care, pregnancy test

Stage II $ 7,900
(Antenatal care; Surrogate medications, investigations, special care, special accommodation, child care, diet, lost wages, Insurance, surrogate clothing)
First trimester (3 months)
Second trimester (3 months)
Third trimester (3 months)
Stage III $ 5,900
(Delivery; Post natal surrogate care; Visa assistance)
Delivery process (normal / caesarean), birth certificate
Visa assistance, DNA testing (from UK Lab)
Surrogate care (2 months) (Medications, stay, care, diet, lost wages)

Optional
Indian Egg Donor $ 2,950
(Egg donor selection; investigation; booking; fees; medications; egg pick up)
Egg donor selection, recruitment and booking
Legal (agreement) charges, agency program charges
Egg donor investigation, stimulation, monitoring & medications

Caucasian Egg Donor $ 13,550
(Egg donor selection; investigation; booking; fees; medications; egg pick up)
Egg donor selection, recruitment and booking, flight, hotel stay, food
Legal (agreement) charges, Nurture, agency program charges and ED compensation
Egg donor investigation, stimulation, monitoring & medications

To try once would be approximately $12,000 in medical costs (we need an egg donor and would use an Indian egg donor) and the travel costs to India. My preliminary research estimates the airfare to be approximately $1,500 per person and hotel accommodations to be around $300 a night. We would need to stay in Mumbai about 7 days and both of us would need to be present to sign the contract. Considering the other costs of visas, transportation when in Mumbai, food, etc. I think it will cost about $20,000 to attempt pregnancy once. That's a lot of "at risk" money. I believe it is possible to freeze some sperm in India, if the first attempt does not succeed, they could use the frozen sperm and another fresh cycle with an egg donor and we wouldn't have to return to Mumbai. Or, if we have frozen embryos left we could try a FET. I'm waiting to hear back from the clinic to see what the options and costs are if pregnancy does not occur the first time.