Monday, March 9, 2009

How much do you trust me?

I've spoken to the experts, two surrogacy attorneys in the 2 states that we're considering working in: Ohio & Indiana. Even in Ohio, where we can get a PBO, the law is just barely on our side. So, it all comes down to trust and really, I'm not a very trusting person.

In high school, I had the most brilliant English teacher. I simply adored him and he put so much effort into teaching us, it was truly humbling (it's humbling now, back then we didn't seem to show our appreciation as much as we should have). One of the greatest lessons he taught me was to always question whether or not we, as the reader, trusted the narrator. The classic example of this is the Great Gatsby, a story that I will always appreciate for its many lessons, one of which is discerning who is trustworthy. I've carried that skill too forcefully into the rest of my life and rarely trust anyone, sometimes for valid reasons and other times for less valid ones. In one of our appointments with S, she said that life would be so much easier for me if I learned to trust. True, but the risks are greater too.

I'm pretty content not trusting the average person; the skepticism keeps me safe and I don't feel like I'm missing out on too much. However, I'm beginning to believe that surrogacy is going to require more trust than I've ever been capable of giving to someone. To trust that I will give another woman my dh's sperm (assuming we can use it, we're still waiting for the big appointment on March 16th), and trust that woman to nurture and carry my husband's baby for 9 months and then just give us the baby. Just like that. No legal battle, no devastation, she just gives birth and says "Congratulations, mom" and I become part of the elusive Mommy Club in a single second of pure trust and generosity. Unbelievable. I wonder if I'm anti-trust more than the usual infertile person or if this simply comes with the territory? For any of us that must depend on another woman to make us parents, do we all fear trust? Does anyone trust so easily that this doesn't seem like a frighteningly ridiculous move to assume this lady is just going to give us the baby? I realize that I can ensure our TS lives in CA, or will agree to give birth there, and I can hire the best attorneys, read and re-read our contract dozens of times, require medical exams, pysch evaluations, and maybe even hire a private investigator, and still...I can never be too certain. I don't know if she's spending her evenings in a smoke-filled bar or filling her body with disgusting KFC not-real-chicken chicken, or taking pre-natal vitamins. I simply can never ensure our babies safety unless I trust that this generous woman is giving us her best.

This is, again why, my dh should not make me wait so long for a baby! I overanalyze everything and I'm going to be contimplating these types of notions for the next many months. I really wonder if I'm capable of giving someone complete trust. In this situation, I think the risks are too great not too.

1 comment:

  1. Its a huge leap of faith. We have let go of the what ifs as this can make you crazy. It soundsl ike you have come to a decision which is the first big step!