Notes From the Universe

I subscribe to daily "Notes From the Universe" that are delivered to my inbox every morning from this website. The notes are written by one of the contributors of The Secret and always inspire me to think differently about my circumstances. Today's note was exceptionally profound. It read:

A flower doesn't turn toward the sun because it needs to, but because it wants to, and so the process is effortless and joyful. All things considered, Sara, what do you WANT?

-The Universe

I began to tear up when I read this note. So many times, as not-so-proud members of the infertility community, we consider all of our options as sub-par simply because they are not the way we dreamed of conceiving our children. Those who are trying IUI for the first time wish they could just make love in private to create their baby. Once IUI fails, those who consider IVF have let go of the hope that pregnancy with come naturally and they are frustrated with the tens of thousands of dollars that it costs to make a baby. For those of us who result to using an egg donor, surrogate, or both feel that we would give anything to carry our own baby and we long to feel the kicks inside our being that we know we'll never experience. We all spend too much time looking back while trying to move forward. There isn't any circumstance that allows for safe and successful travels when your eye is always looking the rear-view window as your vehicle plunges forward. Infertility is no different.

When dh & I attempted a GS journey almost 2 years ago, using my own eggs, I'm not sure I could ever get over the fact that another woman would carry my baby. No doubt, I had immediate love and gratification for her but I still couldn't help but be overcome by my own grief. Today is a different day. This journey with M is different, I feel overwhelmed with her generosity and I wonder every day how I will ever be able to express my thanks to her but my grief interferes less frequently. I realize I'm infertile and I don't have a uterus to carry a baby or an egg to make one, which leaves me with choices. I used to think those choices were all terrible options because none of them allowed me to carry my own baby. Today, however, I realize the choice I want is to make a baby with my husband's sperm and another woman's egg. I want her to carry our baby, nurture it, allow me to sing to it and anticipate its arrival. I want this. It's not a default decision when all others have been eliminated. It is my choice and that gives me hope, power, and satisfaction beyond what I ever dreamed possible. I choose surrogacy, it didn't choose me.