Actually making a baby related purchase yesterday temporarily paralyzed me with a strange feeling that I did not recognize myself. I have never been able to just 'let go' and be ridiculously optimistic that everything will work out the way it is supposed to and that is exactly what I am trying to do. However, I've also never experienced the deep depths of depression that a tragic circumstance such as infertility can bring. Perhaps it is because I've seen how twisted my life became in the midst of infertility that I can now force myself from entering that space again. I cannot give myself permission to emotionally follow the ups & downs of doctor's appointments and new bits of information as if each one is either life-ending or life-sustaining. I've done it before and I know the outcome is not good. While it's inevitable that I will be have emotions regarding whatever the latest doctor's appointment tells us, I cannot become those emotions. I can experience them, validate them, and then understand that they do not (and cannot) control me. I'm thrilled to be back into the world of surrogacy, a world that I thought was off limits once I had no genetic contribution to make, and I cannot let this journey tear me down like the last one did. I refuse to let it.
I confessed to dh today about the purchases I made last night. He thought it was 'nice'. He's such a laid back guy. Nice? He clearly didn't understand the volume of importance that making a baby purchase holds. I emailed M to tell her my confession also, her response was "I'm glad you are realizing that this is really going to happen-you ARE going to be a mommy." She left me speechless. I wonder if she knows how powerful those words are, particularly coming from the woman who holds the power to make me a mommy. We have became such great friends in the past few months. It's wonderful too because we're both able to be ourselves...we complain about our husbands, talk about work or her schooling, the extra-long winters were having. I feel like I know her far beyond the morsels of surrogacy that exist within her. That is just a part of her, of course, that is the part that brought us together and the part that connects us in ways that no one else could but I do not believe it is the part that sustains our relationship. She is someone I would be friends with even if she hadn't offered to carry our baby. I think that is the most important part of our relationship. It's amazing the change of perspective that I've had since finding a path to parenthood that I love as much as I love this opportunity.
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682nd Friday Blog Roundup
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