Sunday, May 31, 2009


"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." -Dale Carnegie

Are we brilliantly resilient women, who fight the battles of infertility, and still have hope? Or are we ignorant, immature girls who consistently set ourselves up for failure and settle for whatever means will turn us into mothers?

I've always considered Hope such a fragile emotion, one that hides under the table when its enemy Doubt walks into the room. I thought Hope literally ran away from home and was never coming back. I thought Hope died and didn't go to heaven because Hope didn't believe in such fantasies. I thought I was glad to see her leave, for a while I thought I missed her in the way I imagine women miss their spouses once they've been arrested for domestic violence. I was exhausted and overwhelmed by the abuse that Hope inflicted upon me and I was glad Hope was finally dead.

It's not until recently, that M has given me a reason to breathe again, that I realize that Hope really never left. If there wasn't Hope, I wouldn't have kept trying to find a better way, a more fulfilling way, a more intimate way, to become a mom. It was Hope that allowed me to not settle for adoption when my heart needed something more. It was Hope that convinced me to reach out to surrogacy forums and reply back to M's original email. It is Hope that sustains me through this moment, as I take this breath, and I'm still childless and full of the pain, envy, and evil of infertility.

I know she's still there but I'm so afraid to welcome her back into my life with open arms. I want to co-habitate with her again but I feel like such a fool to even consider it. How dare I allow her back in when she's let me down so many times? I've told her hundreds of times before that this was "the last chance" and if she screwed it up there were no chances left. Hope has built a lifetime on second chances and I wasn't going to allow that to continue any longer. I'm not sure how I just allow her to walk back into my life? Do we need to set ground rules like you would if a boyfriend was standing at your doorstep begging for a second chance? What if she breaks the rules? Does she have a probationary period in which she must prove to me that she's worthy of access into my heart? I have such valid reasons to never speak to her again, to never allow her near my family, to banish her from every part of our surrogacy journey with M. Perhaps its M that is requiring me to consider allowing Hope into our journey. This isn't just my journey, it's M's journey too. She seems to have an oddly close relationship with Hope, particularly in the reproduction department. She & Hope are like best friends and they seem to go everywhere together and when M is having a bad day, it's Hope that tells her tomorrow will be better. Why doesn't my Hope act like that? My Hope doesn't reassure me that tomorrow will be better...just as she's about to speak up, Doubt starts talking and Hope never insists that he hears her out.

I want my Hope to be like Obama's Hope, I would even settle for the kind of Hope that inmates have that convinces them tomorrow is worth living for (when we all know a simple bed sheet tied as a noose could be all that is needed if Hope called in sick one day).

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