...because once it's over; all the tv commercials will stop, I'll no longer hear the radio advertisements, no one will ask me what we're doing for the big day, I can drive down the road without seeing a billboard reminding me to buy flowers or chocolate, and most of all because I will be able to reclaim the smallest morsel of my sanity back as I've clearly lost it during the most difficult time of year.
I hate mother's day. I speak to so many infertile women who say that they cannot wait until they become a mom so they can spend their first mother's day celebrating. Of course I don't know how I'll feel when that day finally arrives, but for now, I do not intend on celebrating mother's day. It is a day filled with immense pain for millions of people and I cannot ignore that and simply celebrate with breakfast in bed and a pot of flowers. Christmas is probably the second hardest holiday to celebrate when you are involuntarily childless, but it is no comparison to mother's day, because in the darkest moments of scraping together a reason to celebrate Christmas I can still celebrate the birth of Jesus. There is a reason for the holiday aside from Santa Clause and Christmas presents. There is no other reason for mother's day, there's no alternative celebratory reason I can conjure in my head, it is a day for mom's and if you're not a mom and you want to be, it is hell.
J set his alarm this morning to wake up early to head to his mom's. I had previously told my mom that I wasn't interested in doing anything, to which she replied, "It doesn't get any easier?". I'm not exactly sure why she thinks that extending the length of time that I remain childless will somehow make this day easier. I'm actually glad that he went to his mother's, it's a big step in our marriage. Last year mother's day was a big fight, he insisted we see his mom and even though he offered to go without me, I felt that would only make it worse. We took her out to breakfast together and the waitress asked me if I was celebrating the day. I don't look pregnant and there wasn't' a child seated next to me, but she still felt she needed to question my motherhood. I should have replied, "Oh, my! I totally forgot, I left my kid in the car, thanks for reminding me!". I think "sensitivity" training should be a requirement for every workplace. What if my baby had just died? What if I just had a miscarriage? What if I was...gasp!!!....never going to be pregnant for the rest of my life because my uterus and ovaries were stolen from me? Perhaps not the best question for the waitress to ask. So, J is at his mom's. The only condition I had, that he completely understood, is that he go to see her at a time that the rest of the family isn't there. I would definitely feel like the one who had been left out and as any infertile woman knows, that's a terrible feeling when you're purposefully missing from an event because you're the crazy woman without a uterus. So he woke up early to bring flowers and bagels and spend an hour or two visiting. I haven't broken down crying yet, instead I'm rather numb to the pain. I'm exhausted that I have to endure yet another mother's day.
I'm the type of person who plans everything and I plan as far out as I possibly can. When we have an upcoming vacation, I get very excited to bust out the luggage and start packing things slowly so that I can be sure I've packed every item I may anticipate needing. It's not unusual for me to begin packing two weeks in advance of our departure. We leave on Wednesday for Disney World and I haven't even dug out the luggage from the basement. I've been waiting patiently to pack everything today. I love Disney and it is the only constant in all my years of infertility that can make me smile no matter what. It's rather bizarre because the place is constantly filled with millions of adorable children but it is a childhood memory that I relive every time I visit. My parents took us to Disney every year of our life and I've sense gotten my dh hooked and we go as often as possible. Last year we bought annual passes for the first time! So, today I will spend my day childless and packing for Disney World. It will be a mix of depression, euphoria, and anxiety.
I'm afraid to put my thoughts into writing...but I'm nervous about M. Maybe it's been the impending holiday that is making me more sensitive that usual and I know she's been extremely busy with school and then one of her kid's birthdays this week, but we haven't emailed much at all. I just know that so much is riding on this relationship that I'm going to over analyze everything. She's busy and I know that. We're not planning to TTC until mid to late next year, so I'm sure she doesn't feel like it's critical that she emails me everyday. Of course, I would love to get an email from her once a day, but she has a life to live and 4 kids to raise. I need to relax. It's like the beginning stage of a relationship where you've already fallen too far into love but yet the relationship is still too new for any type of "where do we stand?" type of talk. I will text her and wish her a happy mother's day, she will be the only person receiving that wish from me.
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