Sperm donor, anyone?

As if it's not enough that I cannot carry or create a biological child, my dh cannot either, unless we do IVF with ICSI. It's an option that we've seriously considered. It's so tempting to create a little baby with my husband's gorgeous red hair or attractive 6'7" frame. We want to create something together, not individually. We also are in love with M and cannot imagine doing a journey without her. I feel so confident that our journey will be filled with love, trust, and mutual compassion. I want her to create a baby for us, and no one else. So, we move forward. Dh doesn't want to have anything to do with the donor selection process. I hope that changes, but if not, we've agreed that are requirements include a solid educational background, tall (just for fun), and willing to be located by our child if our child chooses to one day.

This is tough. It's tough to absorb, I really can't believe we're both so broken.

I love a good doctor

We had our appointment with Dr. O through U of M hospital today. He's brilliant, realistic, informative and patient. I was so pleased with our appointment. Dh's testicular ultrasound came back showing minor varicoceles, absolutely nothing they would operate on and defiantly not the cause of our poor sperm. His testosterone is low (218 total), which we knew and Dr. O feels the low testosterone combined with some excess weight are two problems we can tackle right away. The excess weight contributes to additional fat in the legs and stomach areas, which increase the heat of the testicles. Excess fat also screws with your hormones and can alter testosterone and estrodial production. Dh has said he's committed to losing a few pounds to see if it helps. I could definitely shed a few pounds also, so we're both excited to be in this together.

Dh has been prescribed 25 mg of clomid and he will start that along with a very long list of supplements tomorrow a.m. Despite a frenzy after a long and intimate google affair this weekend, Dr. O said that none of the results indicate that there would be an increased risk of miscarriage or stillbirth. In fact, our numbers are not even low enough to warrant genetic testing. Cheers to that! He's hopeful that with weight loss and clomid we can increase our numbers, hopefully enough for IUI success. He would strongly prefer that we use fresh sperm, so we need to find a clinic that doesn't require a 6 month quarantine. M & I will be on a search for that as the time gets closer. Clomid takes 3-6 months to show improvement. We have an appointment July 20th and we'll have another SA done about a week prior. I'm trying to find the balance between staying positive and not setting myself up for heartbreaking disappointment. For now, all we can do is focus on a healthy lifestyle and lots of meds. Between my supplements for menopause and dh's new set of pills, we have a small pharmacy between us. This might be the first picture in our child's lifebook...this might just be the first step, the first pill, toward an amazing journey.

It would only happen to me

...and anyone else out there in the infertility world that can understand how completely devestating this could be.

I went to the lab to pick up dh's final SA results. We have our appointment on Monday with the fancy urologist and we need these results for Monday. This SA we abstained for 4 days instead of 3, hoping that his numbers would increase because each SA has been getting progressively worse. I had called the lab prior to leaving my house to confirm the results were ready but when I arrived they said they were incomplete and it would take 7-10 days. It never takes 7-10 days, it takes exactly 2.5 at this lab. However, sometimes they simply haven't taken the time to input the numbers into the computer but the pathologist has the results already at 2.5 days. I requested a manager and she explained to me that all the results are in the computer except for the morphology, she would print me the results right now that would include everything except morphology & that report was being faxed as we speak from the Cytology department.

She returned in just a few minutes with the SA results, less the morphology, and as soon as I read them I wanted to cry. They were almost perfect. The joys of motherhood were consuming me, as I sat there, with nearly perfect SA results in my right hand and in my left arms laid my sleeping nephew that I was babysitting. I looked at him in that moment and understood that one day, I too would have a baby that might have his father's eyes. I sat in my joyful state for about another 15 minutes until she returned with the morphology report. She handed me a handwritten report, with the pathologists actual handwriting. I immediately looked under the morphology section and noticed that the "Percent Total Normal" was missing, which is what I needed. I asked her about it and she phoned the lab to inquire. While I was waiting I started to read the other notes on the pathology report and noticed that they greatly differed from the printed almost-perfect report that I had been given. Clearly, there was a mistake.

After an hour and a half of research, it was discovered that they have recently hired a new pathologist and after the tenured pathologist performed our SA, they kept the results from the new pathologist and challenged him to perform the SA to see what numbers he came up with. Apparently he's an eternal optimist because all his numbers were nearly perfect. Someone made a "data entry" error and entered in the incorrect numbers. Our nearly perfect SA was suddenly the worst SA we've ever had. Only 2 million sperm, 2% motile, and 25% normal. Devastation doesn't even begin to describe it.

I kept a copy of the handwritten report because under morphology there were several words written, none of which I've seen before in describing my dh's sperm: acrosomal deficiencies, amorphous, bent head. After a lot of google research and a call into our TS M, who is 3 weeks shy of being an RN, we discovered this and this and lastly, this. Devastation doesn't even begin to describe it.

Our happy pills

I ordered all the supplements for dh today, all of which have some type of study that shows it helps to improve sperm count, motility, or morphology. He's got a long list of pills to take and they are:

1. Selenium 200 micrograms once a day
2. Vitamin C, 500-1000 mg, twice a day
3. Vitamin E 400 international units once a day
4. Zinc 50-100 mg once a day
5. Coenzyme Q10 30-50 mg once a day
6. Folic acid 400 micrograms a day
7. B complex once a day
8. Fish oil capsules 2-3 times a day
9. Multivitamin with trace minerals once a day
10. L-Carnitine - 500mg twice a day
11. L-Arginine - 2-4g per day
12. Acetyl L-Carnitine 500 mg
13. Pycnogenol 100 mg

Hopefully we will see some major improvements with these supplements. I can't wait to do another SA in 3-4 months and see our improvement! These will officially be my happy pills if they make our sperm better! There better be an improvement too because it costs a small fortune for all of these meds. We are doing our last SA before the supplements begin on Tuesday evening. That will be 4 full days from our last ejaculate, I'm hopeful that perhaps the increased length of time will give us more swimmers. There is a very interesting study that references some of the above mentioned drugs. I'll be taking that to our appointment with Dr. O on Monday to get his advice. I'm counting down the days until we see him, I can't wait to talk with him. He'll have a total of 4 SA's, a urinalysis, bloodwork, and testicular ultrasound to review so I hope he'll be able to tell us something.

M & I texted back and forth a few times today. My heart races when I receive a text from her, it's the greatest feeling. I hope this honeymoon stage never ends. I know we'll have disagreements and there will be an amazing amount of stress in our friendship when the TTC stage begins but I know that I will always hold a spot in my heart for her only. Even if we never conceived (which isn't going to happen), I feel that she's been so supportive and such a delight to be friends with, just knowing she has it in her heart to do this for someone leaves me speechless. I love her.

I heard her voice & SA #2 results

For the first time, M & I spoke on the phone today! It was so exciting! I was driving somewhere for work and I can't think of anything better to do while driving than talk on the phone (I have a blue tooth so it's perfectly safe as far as I'm concerned), so I texted her (I did this before I started driving), to tell her I would be driving and maybe we could chat. She texted back and said she'd call in a minute. And....she did!

It was so wonderful to hear her voice. Now as we email & text each other I can visualize the sound of her voice, the inflections, and the way she articulates her words. She lives in a neighboring state but I really thought she had an accent. I asked her about it, and she thought I had an accent too. She thinks most people from Michigan have accents.

We chatted about random things such as in-laws, upcoming Easter plans, and of course surrogacy. Surrogacy did not dominate the conversation & I didn't ask any specific questions, I certainly wanted us both to feel like we were talking with friends and not partaking in an interview. I hope she felt that way because I certainly did. I was only a slightly nervous during the conversation, but now that it's over I'm asking the age old "did she like me?" question. I hope she did.

Speaking with her and hearing her kids in the background and being able to communicate so openly and honestly with her reassured me of our decision. I do not want to partake in a surrogacy journey that lacks honest & open communication. It's so nice to know I can just pick up the phone and call her when I want to hear her voice or check on the baby. This is the journey for us and she is the one to make it happen.we

Well, she's the one to make it happen assuming we can get our damn sperm to cooperate. I received the results back from our second semen analysis. I hate sperm. I'm so frustrated because I don't understand why it changes so drastically. This time we had:

6 million sperm (was 9 million 3 weeks ago)
8% normal morphology (was 40 something %)
4% rapidly motile (was 13%)

Why? I want answers. We have an appointment on April 20th with the best urologist in the state. I'm hopeful he can give us some answers.

What am I thinking?

For the past few months I've been communicating with M, a fabulous woman who wants to be our TS. I've been scared to articulate these thoughts outloud, this all seems too good too be true. We've discussed all the major issues that can arise in TS and we're very much on the same page. So, we decided yesterday to officially announce our 'match' on a surrogacy forum that we both frequent. So, it's official. I'm thrilled, estatic, and trying to force myself not to be scared. She knows were not ready to start until next year, which gives us ample time to build a friendship & work on improving dh's sperm. We had another appointment at the urologist yesterday, we're doing a few tests to rule somethings out and then we'll be starting dh on clomid to try to improve his sperm counts. We have another SA next week too. The clomid takes about 6 months to see if its improving or not, so thankfully we have time.

The title of this post-what am I thinking-is because someone announced on another wesbite that Udder Covers was offering a promo for free udder covers (nursing blanket covers), all you have to do is pay shipping. The covers are normally $35 & I just got them for $7.95. I ordered 1 pink & 1 blue. What the hell am I thinking? We're more than a year away from TTC and I just ordered a nursing cover? I'm truly trying to force myself into optimism...I guess this is one way of doing it. I just need to rememeber to breathe. This is a lot.

SA results

Here we go, from last week:

SA from 2 years ago:
Liquefaction: between 10-30 minutes (which is normal)
Sperm count: 5.90 million (should be at least 20 million)
Morphology: 8% normal
Motility: 40% after 1 hour, 30% after 2 hour (should bebetween 50-100% at each hour)
Ph: 7.6 (normal is 7-8)

Today:
Liquefaction: greater than 60 minutes (not normal)
Sperm count: 9.0 million
Morphology: 42% normal
Motility: Total motile is 18% (should be greater than50%) This test didn’t break down by the hour.
Ph: 9.0

So, the PH & liquefaction are off in today’stests, but I don’t care…he could have a virus or whatever thateffects those, those are very temporary things & I don’t care about them (unless someone thinks I should??). The count went up a lot & the morphology is perfect (they want morethan 30% to be normal). The motility decreased quite a bit….but….theway they break out the motility is a little different on the most recent SA. It says Rapid Progressive: 13%, Slow Progressive: 5%. Then, it says thesum of % of Rapid plus Slow should be greater than 50% OR the % of rapid aloneshould be more than 25%. If you look at rapid alone….it’s 13%and it should be 25%. Not too bad….it’s bad, but I don’t think it’s too bad.

Check-in

I fully understand that infertile women have a particular level of insanity that is socially accepted among other infertiles. Yet, I wonder if I've gone too far. I dropped off our semen sample this morning at 7:15 a.m. at a lab I've never used before. I've been thinking about our little guys all day and praying they are swimming strongly. I couldn't help but call the lab on my way home from work to see how my little guys are doing. They couldn't tell me anything specific, but they were so kind to not yell at me for being a paranoid infertile woman. I am so grateful for her kindness. The great news is she thinks our analysis should be complete by Friday and we can pick up the results. So, we should have our results before we leave for vacation on Saturday and we don't have to wait for our doctor to read them...we can just show up at the lab at they will give us a copy of the results! Yay for us!

Assumptions

This morning, after some passionate lovemaking that we did to a plastic sterile cup, I rushed dh's sperm to the hospital for our first SA this year. When I arrived, I told the receptionist that I had sperm in between my boobs and I couldn't wait to register, they had to take the sample immediately. Luckily, we live about 10 minutes from the hospital and this hospital also takes our insurance and the SA's are covered 100%! So, I'm sure they'll be seeing a lot of me. Anyway, she looked at me like I was crazy, clearly she doesn't understand why someone would drive around with sperm in between their boobs. Thankfully, a supervisor was standing nearby and heard my request and immediately took me back to register and take the sample. She was very friendly and prompt. I was prepared for the inevitable "how long have you been trying" question, and I'm actually not quite sure how I should answer that, but she didn't ask. She did, however, say "good luck" as I was leaving. Her assumption being that we are trying to get pregnant. I'm relatively certain (although this is an assumption on my part) that she didn't assume that I'm praying for those sperm to be strong and healthy so we can use it to impregnate another woman. It made me think about all the incorrect assumptions I hold about other people. It is in moments like these that I realize, despite my passionate hatred for infertility, I am a better person because of it. I am, at times, a bitter, resentful bitch because of the struggles of IF. But in moments like these I realize I am a stronger, wiser, and more compassionate person because of it. Since exploring the option of traditional surrogacy, seeing a pregnant belly has become easier for me. Considering adoption has allowed me to have compassion toward pregnant teens because one day, I may need one of them for my own chance at motherhood. (Sidebar: I have compassion for most pregnant teens, excluding some, explicitly excluding Bristol Palin) Receiving thousands of dollars in medical bills in the mail from IF treatments, I have a deeper appreciation for my job and education that allows us to be able to afford the chance to try. There are few things in life I know for sure, but one is that the desire to become a mom is not limited by the ability to pay for it. Unfortunately, for many people the reality of becoming a mom is limited by fiscal restraints. That's bullshit. We live in the wealthiest nation on earth (is that still true?) and our citizens are left motherless because they don't have 25K to 'try' for a baby or another 35K to adopt. Bullshit. I digress.

I'm so over this

So, today was the big appointment. The 1st urologist a few weeks ago was a total prick, so onto urologist #2. Our appointment was at 3;15, we were called into the room at 4:30. Off to a wonderful start. The doctor comes in, very nice. I breathed a sigh of relief, at least there is a nice (hopefully knowledgable) doctor in front of me that will finally answer my questions. Just as I exhaled he told us that they scheduled us with the wrong doctor and he doesn't specialize in infertility so we need to reschedule. In the meantime, he'll order 2 SA's that we need to have done 3 weeks apart. I. Hate. Doctors.

We will do our first SA on Wednesday this week (if all goes as planned, which it probably won't). We have our appointment with urologist #3 on April 2nd. We leave for our cruise on Saturday. It can't come fast enough.

When was the last time you felt joy?

I was thinking last night about surrogacy and babies and how infertility has changed me into a person I hardly recognize. I had a faint recollection of joy. Do you remember joy? I wonder if I will ever feel it again. Will the day my baby is born via surrogacy be filled with joy or will my happiness be tainted because I'm not the one lying on back recovering from bringing life into this world? I don't know what the actual definition of joy is, but I've always considered it "happiness untouched". The experience of being happy without any aftertaste of sadness. There always seems to be an aftertaste of sadness in my life since infertility.

In anticipation of our urologist appointment in under 2 hours (it can't get here quick enough), I called our insurance company to see if they cover semen analysis. To my delight, they cover them 100% with no copay! Of course, they exclude millions of other infertility related procedures because our medical community thinks fertility treatment is a convenience not a necessity, but I digress. I thought for a minute that I was experiencing just a tinge of joy, we've saved a few hundred dollars for each SA we do, no exclusions, deductibles...there's no catch, just "Yes, we cover them at 100%". Definitely something to be joyful about. And then I thought that normal people who experience normal joy would never be joyful about insurance coverage for infertility treatments. 10 year ago, I would have never been joyful about such coverage but today I experienced it a bit. I didn't think about how I wish they covered uterine replacements or the entire costs of surrogacy (since they won't be paying for my pregnancy), I didn't feel sad that we're needing an SA to use my dh's sperm on another woman instead of me. I was just purely joyful for the coverage. I'm thankful I was able to experience that joy for a brief moment, although I see it only speaks volumes about how much infertility truly has changed me. Joy...over insurance coverage so someone can run tests on my husband's sperm? I've set a new, much lower, standard for joy it seems. Infertility causes us to create new normals. I no longer think of sex when someone says that she's "trying to have a baby". I think of IVF, ICSI, laboratories, IUI's, morphology, and no intimacy at all. That is my new normal. The same holds true with joy. Joy can no longer be happiness untouched because all my happiness with forever be touched by infertility. I must redefine joy for my new normal of a life.

It's only a day away

Tomorrow is our appointment with the new urologist. Fingers crossed. Seriously, way more than fingers are crossed, I'm a little anxious and really not prepared for dissapointment. I've spent the better part of my time thinking, researching, and talking with dh about surrogacy. I want this and I want it with our sperm. I'm really not sure how I feel about using a sperm donor.

I'm still communicating with 2 potential surrogates. They both know we're not ready to start right now and it's been really nice just taking our time and developing relationships with each of them. I feel like I know them both really well. I've had a few others email me, but for one reason or another we've decided not to pursue eachother. M & K (the 2 surros) are really making me even more hopeful about this process. Truly, I know some people enjoy the security that a surrogacy agency provides but I love communicating directly with the potential surrogates. I'm not at all interested in pursuing an agency at this time.

My brain isn't working well, I can only concentrate on tomorrow. I'll be having sperm dreams tonight...swim baby, swim.

How much is that doggie in the window?

I decided I should test my emotional strength last night. My very dear friend had been keeping me updated all day long on the progress of her labor. She called at 4:00 to tell me she had a C-section and delivered a little adorable perfect baby girl at 1:05 p.m. I avoided her baby shower and avoided her as much as possible throughout her last trimester and I know she really wanted me to visit her in the hospital. So, when Jason got home we called the florist and ordered an arrangement of pink flowers delicately arranged in a crystal baby block. As I arrived at the florist, Frank (the owner) was there. He and his wife did all the millions of flowers for our 2 day wedding celebration. I hadn't seen him in a few months. He handed me the arrangement of flowers and with a smile on his face told me that he & his wife are expecting their first baby girl next week also. I faked my happiness. I should have known at that moment that God was trying to tell me this was too difficult for me. I should stay home, hidden under the covers, safely protected from the fertiles of the world. I didn't listen and we proceeded to the hospital.

When we turned the hallway corner to head toward the maternity floor I had a flood of memories that temporarily consumed my thoughts. The day I had my hysterectomy the regular woman's floor was full so they put me on the side of the hallway dedicated to labor & delivery. As I was walking the halls for 2 days after surgery I was walking alongside new mom and their bundles of joy. It was hell.

Jason & I kept walking and the nursery was located on our left, I stared at the floor as we passed it trying not to catch a single glimpse of all the babies. We arrived at my friend L's room without seeing a single baby. It was a miracle! I was so relieved. I gave her and her dh a hug and offered my congratulations. The baby wasn't in the room and I didn't want to ask about her, but I figured that's what this whole event is about, so I asked where she was. Apparently her body temperature was a little low and they put her in the nursery under a heat lamp, I imagine similar to the roast chickens that are sold at the grocery store. I said, "Oh, I'm glad they're able to get her warmed up". And then it happened...her dad said, "She's in the nursery. Don't you want to go see her?". Well, actually no I don't, but how do I tell a room full of strangers that I came here praying I wouldn't have to see the baby. So, we followed our same path back toward the nursery but this time I was forced to look in. There was a large section of glass and actual steps that you had to step up on in order to view the babies. It was an observatory of sorts, the most bizarre display of children I've ever encountered. I stepped up and glanced at all the babies bundled tightly in their bassinets. I felt like I was peering through the bakery cabinet at a Cake shop...which one do I want? I didn't have to analyze my selections long to know that I'd take any of them, all of them in fact. The crying ones, quiet ones, the black, the white, the ones with no hair or too much hair, the boys and the girls. I would take every one of them and bring them home with me. I am convinced that I would love each one of them with more passion than any of their fertile mother's could love them. We stared at her baby briefly, she was simply perfect, and then we returned to visit L.

Shortly after we returned to the room, the baby was brought in. Apparently her temperature had risen and the nurse explained she had little mittens on her hands and a hat on to keep her warm. L asked if I wanted to hold her, I insisted her family hold her first. Her sister picked her up immediately and after what seemed like only a few seconds, she passed her off to me. As I was reaching for her, someone said, "Be careful, they are contagious". Everyone laughed.

I held her for a few minutes and then passed her off, I then said that L should get some rest so we'll be on our way and we left. The moment we turned the corner from her room I began to uncontrollably cry. I thought it was a somewhat acceptable display of emotion because maybe everyone will think that someone died during my visit to the hospital, which isn't entirely a lie. I think part of me died in that room...or in front of the baby display...or at the florist. Will I ever stop dying?

On the sperm front we have an appointment on March 16th.

When doctors are assholes

We had an appointment today with a urologist to discuss dh's sperm. I was looking forward to this appointment to give me answers and....dare I say it, hope. I didn't get either. The doctor was an asshole. He answered my questions with just one or two words and provided very little information. The highlight of the appointment came when I asked him about particular supplements to possibly increase the quality of sperm and he suggested I research it on the Internet. Ahhh....stupid me! Why didn't I think of that before? Research...on the Internet! Of course! What a great idea! I failed to enlighten him that all I've been doing with every waking moment is researching on the Internet. I wondered if he realized that not everything on the Internet is true? Seriously, what an amazingly ignorant suggestion to give a patient! I love the Internet and truly do not understand what people did before its existence, but, it also is very addicting and can be toxic to one's mental health. I needed comfort in words from an actual live physician, I needed my questions taken seriously and answered with consideration and thought. He failed.

Our RE (whom we love) is through the University of Michigan, I didn't want to see a urologist through U of M because it's far away and the drive requires extra time off of work and we can't drive together because we come from different directions....but, it appears that's what we'll be doing. A doctor at U of M would never suggest that I obtain medical advice from a website that could be created by a 13 year old doing a research project on male sperm. So, we have an appointment at the end of April to meet the new urologist. Prior to our appointment we have to give 2 semen samples (yes, we, it's a joint effort.) so he has 2 recent samples to analyze. Here it goes...I know it's just $500, but, the price tag continues to climb. IF treatments are so expensive, we tried this once before, I remember our mailbox was flooded with more medical bills than I've seen in my life. I'm trying not to panic over this yet, it's only a small amount of money now....but, infertility treatment is like crack cocaine, it's addicting and once you try it once you can't seem to stop. And, semen analysis is the gateway drug of IF treatments. It doesn't seem like it hurts to "just try it", it's "only" a few hundred dollars, no one will get hurt, there aren't any risks, and no one will even know you did it! The next thing you know you're shelling out tens of thousands of dollars to an IF clinic for surrogacy and IVF, ICSI, and a side of egg donors.

I guess I can safely say surrogacy in India is out. But, surrogacy in the states is very much in. Traditional surrogacy specifically, we've definitely ruled out gestational surrogacy. I don't think normal people consider their childbearing options in this order, but, at least I can say that I've carefully examined each option and in the end we'll be making the most educated choice possible. I can't ask for anything more than that.

On a lighter note, I applied for an online teaching job today. I doubt I'll get called because I'm sure they are flooded with PhD's applying for the position but I would like to put my master's degree to good use and I've always wanted to teach. So, we shall see.