The problem with having a "Plan A"

is that it implies it will fail and there must be a Plan B. We would never introduce our current spouses as "my first husband", as if to imply there will be a second. I'm not sure what Plan A ever was...I suppose it was get married, have lots of sex, and one of those times will make a baby. Obviously that's been pushed aside for more exciting plans that have involved attorneys, dozens of doctors, injections, contracts, and lots of additional participants. It's almost as if I forget all the plans we've once had in place, until I'm forced to recall the magnitude of devastation that we've endured in our efforts to become parents.

(Un)fortunately, I had a hysterectomy before my dh & I ever started dating. Only 3 months after we had been engaged we were strongly encouraged to pursue surrogacy if we ever wanted to produce a child using my genetics. We cancelled our perfectly orchestrated Cinderella wedding and packed up the car for a roadtrip to Chicago to meet with the surrogacy agency. It was shortly before egg retrieval that our cycle was cancelled with no hope of trying again due to my very unhealthy ovaries. This was followed by two adoptions situations that were presented to us that failed for a variety of reasons, a lot of marital heartache, and the conclusion to pursue traditional surrogacy. This is the simplified version, of course. And now, Plan (Insert Letter of the Alphabet Here) has also failed. After previous confirmation that M's insurance would cover surrogacy, a final "check" today confirmed that it will indeed not cover her.

Financially, we are not prepared to take the risks of insurance claims being denied or purchasing an additional insurance policy for M. So, for now, we are unsure how a baby will make itself into our arms. We need time to digest, pray, and consider our options (again).

March Madness

I'm not sure I can even explain our rationale, except to know that we've been reminded that what we want most in life is a baby to love, and so we have moved up our date for insems to March. Just two short months away! For the first time, I can almost feel what it might be like to be expecting a miracle. If God blesses us in our first attempt (which I'm praying he does), we'll be pregnant for Mother's Day and my birthday this year! And, I would have spent the last Christmas without a baby in my arms!

I spoke to the clinic today and they provided us with the lists of testing and preparations for M. She's begining to track her cycles and I ordered her plenty of OPK's that will be delivered to her home this week. I have an appointment tomorrow with an insurance representative to discuss life insurance and short-term disability for M. She also has an appointment next week with her OB for a pap smear and surrogacy discussion.

On to the task of ordering sperm. It seems so surreal, so strange, and completely uncomfortable to be online looking for semen samples. The clinic that will do our ICI has suggested a sperm bank that is local to them. I am off to examine their samples and see if anything catches my eye...if sperm every does catch one's eye.

Would you rather?

It was the perfect New Year's Eve, relatively speaking. Since labor day dh has been remodeling our basement. It was completely gutted, new walls were built, a new bathroom, a gorgeous bar complete with a kegerator (all for him as I'm allergic to beer), gorgeous fluffy semi-shag carpeting perfect for our little one to crawl on (we even bought the thickest padding so it would be extra soft), and gorgeous tile. It's a perfect space for us and although there is still some work to be done, it was largely complete the morning of New Year's Eve.

Our home has been a major construction zone for months and as often as I've tried to keep it clean, the layers of drywall dust and random construction debris have been unavoidable. I was thrilled to be able to wash my hardwood floors without piles of materials in my way. It felt quite liberating to finally begin to unpack the boxes in the spare bedroom (aka the future baby's room). I made dozens of snacks, wore my comfy pj's pants, and we settled in on our new sofas in our new basement. My bff came over for the evening and we hung out and chatted while my dh played his PS3 that he's been neglecting for months. I had purchased a game from Target on Black Friday called "Would You Rather?", it was on sale for $5 and the lady in front of me in line said it was a fun game. If it was horrible, all I would lose is $5, right? Wrong.

It's a horrible game and I'm quite certain that they'll be releasing a new edition by next Black Friday. "Would You Rather: The Infertility Edition".

The game is a collection of questions that present a seemingly impossible choice: Would you rather be in an ocean, 15 yards away from a shark coming toward you or snowshoeing (who does that?) 15 yards from a grizzly bear coming toward you? Would you rather always cry when you should laugh and laugh when you should cry, or lose the ability to do either? The game seems innocent enough and for the majority of the people who have never had to make impossible decisions, it's probably a delightful game for a fun-filled evening of a reality that I will never know. Instead, it was a horrible game that we had to stop playing because I couldn't relax enough to enjoy any of the questions. I actually could recall, in that moment, the miserable feeling when I have been faced with the difficult 'would you rather' choices. For anyone who has experienced infertility or baby-loss, the premise of the game is all too familiar.

Would you rather try another experimental drug that will make you feel miserable, force you to gain weight, and you'll lose your eyesight or have a hysterectomy right now? I tried the drug, and the next drug, and the next drug from the time I was 10 until my hysterectomy when I was 22. I did gain 20 lbs, I have the stretch marks to prove it, and I did lose a large amount of my eyesight, I have the glasses to prove it.

Would you rather risk your savings (or lack thereof) for a 2% chance that an IVF cycle will succeed (and your ovaries can only sustain 1 cycle) or risk never having a biological child? We will never have the biological child.

Would you rather adopt or pursue surrogacy, both options would result in a child not genetically related to you? We're happily pursuing surrogacy. The 'impossible' part of this question comes from the enormous price tag that's associated with surrogacy, after an already enormous price tag we've already paid to still not be parents.

Would you rather divorce your husband who isn't ready to ttc and make a baby on your own or wait until he's ready to ttc and hope you'll be the family you've always dreamed of? Well, we still haven't officially ttc, but according to dh's wishes and M's cycle, it looks like we will be at the end of May 2010. We're still married, I'm madly in love, but baby-stress is a constant barrier in our marriage.

The questions are endless, the game is horrific. I pray, truly pray, that the remainder of our "would you rather" questions in our life can come from a board game and not our reality.

Next

M and her dh went Christmas shopping this past weekend to a large shopping area near their home. They stopped at an outlet mall that I'm assuming she'd never been to before and she sent me a text sharing her excitement about the selection of baby and maternity stores and that she and I will have to go there next summer. Next summer. I'm sitting in my office as I type this watching the first snow flurries hit the cold Michigan ground. The next time I sit outside on a hot summer night, the next time we unpack the patio furniture, the next time we swim in the neighbor's pool, the next time we light fireworks, the next summer will be the summer we've been waiting for.

Our basement remodel has transitioned from a mess of electrical wiring, insulation, and drywall dust to a space that is about to become livable, comforting, and warm. The paint is going on the walls today and the 'man's bar' is in full construction mode. The bathroom has been tiled and carpet installation is scheduled for December 23rd. It's bizarre the connection that I'm able to make between this project and our baby. My dh has done most of this work himself but we are contracting out some of the specific projects, one of those is the man bar. I'm literally in awe how these men are able to transform the piles of wood into such a beautiful structure. I went downstairs yesterday to check on their project and was struck at the talent that was evident in my basement. I was so thankful for their excellent work and felt compelled to tell them that they weren't just building any bar, but the bar that is in the space that we will rock our baby to sleep, change his diaper, and perhaps even the space where he will learn to walk. This isn't just any bar! I resisted my urge to share those thoughts with them, but continued thinking them still.

Dh has made a single decision thus far in our surrogacy journey and that is: He doesn't want to know the gender of the baby. Yep. I'm not sure if he's forgotten he married a type A, can't remember that I plan everything about 3 years in advance, or simply enjoys the idea of torturing me...but whatever the reason, he's certain he doesn't want to know. I'm actually quickly warming up to the idea of the surprise.

I'm terrified

I've tried to convince myself that I'm not terrified, but it hasn't worked. I'm completely scared that M's little angel's health situation is going to mean that M can't be make our dreams come true. Perhaps that sounds selfish, and in so many ways it is, but I can't help but feel that my dream is in limbo, it's existence is now uncertain.

There was an odd sense of confidence when I finally realized that we'll do doing traditional surrogacy with donor sperm. As sad as I am that my dh or I cannot contribute to the creation of our future baby, I was also certain that as long as my medical conditions weren't involved in the making of a baby, it would be a success! The less needed I was in baby-making, the more productive it was going to be (or it is going to be, I'm still not sure what tense to use. Hence the terror). This moment, of the life-shaking fear that M must be feeling as her little one is ill, is the first that I've realized that we are truly dependent on 2 individuals to make us parents. I've always understood that intellectually, but it is the first emotional grasp that I've had on that concept. If something happens in M's life that needs her complete attention, surrogacy obviously cannot be her priority. I wouldn't want it to be her priority. I want more than anything for the doctors to call and tell her it's all been a mistake. Every test, xray, cat scan, and diagnosis have been wrong...and S is completely healthy. I don't want S to be ill and I don't want M to have to be under the stress of having so much medical uncertainty.

But I don't walk in M's shoes, I walk in my own, and I stand here shaking in my boots that there is yet another obstacle to jump over before I can hold my baby in my arms. Perhaps it's the lack of faith that I have in medicine, which is obviously founded in my own failed attempts to heal and exist for just a day as a normal, healthy, woman. Perhaps it's the fear that if it can stop me from being a mom, it will. Or, it may be the reminder that I truly have no control over my own parental destiny (or any destiny for that matter). I get it God. Aren't we done with the life lessons yet?

It's been quite a while since I've had the emotional breakdown that I'm having now. So far, I'm successful at drying the tears before my husband gets home, clearing my voice before I answer the phone, and smiling when I feel like screaming. I want to know why. Why do any little kids need to ever be sick? (Hailey, you are in my prayers always) Why any parents ever need to know the fear of losing their child? (Maria, your in my daily thoughts) and why God needs to continue to threaten my motherhood? I'm pretty certain that a hysterectomy, menopause at 26, male infertility, and every woman I know under the age of 35 being pregnant is enough of a reminder that motherhood is going to be tough to come by.

Is this what happens when you have hope? It's not over, I know I'm overreacting a bit, but this is opening a wound that has not yet healed.

I really am crazy

Tuesday night I began having hallucinations. I didn't know that's what they were until my doctor used that term, but I described them to dh as "a nightmare I couldn't wake up from". It was horrible. Afterward, I was exhausted and felt like I was drunk. Driving was a challenge and I couldn't work at all. All I could do was sleep (which is odd because I normally can never sleep). I'm relieved and frustrated to discover that a medication that has been given to me to help hot flashes has caused this. Effexor XR, which is primarily used for anxiety and depression, has been shown to reduce hot flashes. A few months ago I was put on it when they reduced my estrogen as a result of the ichemic colitis (the thought is that the hormones are causing blood clots which are causing the ischemic colitis). I had a very rough time going on the medicine and it's been hell taking it everyday, but I keep telling myself that it will eventually get better. Obviously it won't. Going off the medication is apparently as risky as remaining on it, so I have slowly began a system of weaning myself off of it. It was one of the scariest moments in my life so I hope to get off of this soon and get this out of my system. It's an extremely frustrating choice to decide which of the two shitty quality of lives I should live with, but clearly having hallucinations (along with every other horrible side effect of this medicine) isn't a reasonable option.

So yesterday I was living with the side effects of a miserable night of panic when I heard from M. Her youngest daughter, S, was very ill a few weeks ago with suspected H1N1. They ran some tests and a Cat Scan which showed thymus fullness with associated enlarged lymph nodes. Subsequent blood work was ran and the results came back on yesterday which indicated her LDH levels were elevated. The enlarged lymph nodes, thymus fullness, and elevated levels all indicated that something was obviously wrong and the chief concern was lymphoma (i.e. cancer). She was sent to Children's hospital for testing today. Thank God, her levels have began to decrease. We still don't have all the answers, but it is possible that it is/was a severe systemic infection. The levels decreasing seem to take the "c" word out of the picture. Thank. God.

Of course, the health of this little girl was the primary thought on my mind. Cancer and children are two words that shouldn't be spoken in the same sentence. It should never be. Once my mind began to wander away from the sole realization that this little girl may be very ill, I realized the implications this may have. My heart stopped. While M could be starting the fight of her life, I'll still be struggling with how to resolve mine. I've known about the joys of having such a connection to another family, but I had not considered the terror of having such a interconnectedness with them.

As naive as it may seem, it never occurred to me that M's life circumstances could stop my dreams from coming true. My motherhood is so dependent on her, I felt terrified for her daughter but just slightly less terrified for myself. I called my husband right away and we talked and prayed for S. And in almost the same time it took for me to realize it, my dh's heart skipped a beat. He realized, also, what this could mean for us. He said, "I'm so sorry honey, but let's just take this one day at a time." The story of my life. It's been years of taking things one day at a time and all of these days added together still have not produced a baby. My days begin and end with the comfort of knowing that in 238 days (give or take a day based on M's ovulation), all of this will be worth the wait. The tears, the medication, the pain, the rocky marriage, the tens of thousands of dollars, the fear, the loss...it will all be worth it. What if that 238 days turns into another year or two? I should know that I will survive, I should have confidence that God will carry me through the wait as He always has, but yet I looked for shelter and wanted to hide away from the thought that my dreams might be in limbo. I can't handle limbo any longer. This temporary moment of uncertainly has been an unwelcome reminder that I have no control over my ability to become a mom. I need to completely surrender to the rest of the world; allow the universe to align itself, and then perhaps it might allow me the honor of motherhood. Meanwhile, some teenagers are getting knocked up after drinking too much Boone's Farm last night. Why don't the planets need to align for them? Why do they get that control over their own destinies?

I will continue to pray, both for S and for myself. For her health and for my sanity. For her strength and mine. For M's dream to be healthy and for mine to come to fruition. I will pray for understanding; why one ever needs to fear that her child might have cancer. And why one ever needs to fear that she may never be a mom.

Dream Big

Thanks to a myriad of medical bullshit, I was home early from work today and had a chance to veg on the sofa and catch up on Oprah reruns. A recent episode featured a variety of individuals who had achieved the semi-classical fairytale from rags to riches. One such individual is now the lead singer of Journey, apparently the 80's band had their lead singer leave them a decade ago and they found this new guy thanks to YouTube. He was stricken with poverty and living in the Philippines but thanks to his internet video he is now performing in front of thousands and making millions. Oprah asked him if he ever dreamt of achieving such success, his reply? He never dreamed that big, he simply wanted to escape poverty. While his response was a fleeting a moment within an hour long show, I couldn't ignore the tinge my heart felt when I heard his response. In so many ways, he allowed himself to settle. He was capable of (apparently) being a lead singer in a popular American band and his standard to exceed was to simply climb out of poverty.

If I could sit back and imagine my greatest dreams, considering all the reality I live within, an intimate and connected surrogacy journey is my biggest wish. Had we proceeded with parenthood a year or two ago, when I was literally on my knees in hysterics begging my husband for a baby, we would have traveled down the more traditional infertility path toward adoption. Surely, we would love our baby and my heart would be aching less than it is today because it would already be filled with the joys of motherhood. I wonder though if there are parts of my heart that can only be healed through surrogacy.

We have the divine blessing of a surrogate who is willing to make us parents from her biological connection, and with the help of a sperm donor, our child will have no genetic connection to either of us. Adoption is definitely a logical choice, but it doesn't complete my soul in the way I expect surrogacy will. As often as I dream about the precious moments with my newborn I also dream of the precious moments during the pregnancy. I wonder how I will be able to stay away from M for more than a few days at a time, how much I'll want to be near her to be near the baby. I want to spend time with M's kid's so that one day in the future as they encounter people who may have adverse opinions toward their mother's choice to be a surrogate, they can remember me and remember the happiness and joy that their family brought to ours. I want to hear the heartbeat every moment I can. I keep having this random baby fantasy that M is pregnant during Christmas time and I wake up Christmas morning to a phone call from her in which she plays our baby's heartbeat for us. There is nothing greater that could be under the Christmas tree.

In an odd sort of way, I'm proud of my dh & I for allowing ourselves to dream big. To not settling for what is less than we are capable of. For reaching out, to join together with another family for a lifelong journey together, and strive everyday to give back in the greatest ways possible. Dream big? I just have.

Is the black cloud lifting?

Since I was cursed with a period at 10 years old, I've had a black cloud of infertility following me everywhere. It was my shadow at every doctor's visit, surrogacy agency, adoption agency, conversation with my dh about baby making, it was even there on my wedding day. There are days now that I'm convinced the black cloud is still following close-by. I see the images of all my pregnant friends/relatives/neighbors in the reflection of the cloud.

When we met M, I thought just for a second that perhaps the cloud was lifting. Perhaps, despite the years of it's seemingly eternal attachment, it was learning to adjust to separating from me. I had her, this beautiful woman who had agreed to be our angel. There surely isn't a black cloud in site. And then we returned to reality and the cloud joined us. He was there during all the poor semen analysis and urologist appointments. He stayed by my side as I fought, screamed, and cried with my husband as we realized we'd need both a surrogate and a sperm donor to become parents. I've been fearful that this cloud would follow my entire path to parenthood but it seems I've found it's weakness: M. The cloud wasn't around when M was around and today M emailed to say that her new insurance does not have a surrogacy exclusion! It's almost surreal to consider that it's happening so easily, without a cloud in site.

*****

In 9 months, we'll be pregnant. I'm quite amused that the countdown has now reached a point in which it equals the gestational period. It's a wonderful way for me to find happiness as I wait for the greatest journey of my life. Too many people in my life are pregnant right now and soon they will be having their babies. And for those 9 months that I knew of their pregnancy, it is that length of time until I can declare our own pregnancy. Just 9 months. And, once I wait these 9 months, I will only have to wait that duration one more time until I hold the greatest miracle in my arms. I will bring my baby to my breast to nourish him the way a mother does. I will look into the eyes of the other miracle in the room and wonder how I will ever be able to thank her for changing the world through her selflessness and empathy to create a life that she will allow me to nurture and love for eternity. I promise, M, that I will work so hard every moment to be the best mother that I can be...not only because my child deserves that, but because it is truly the only way to show you our genuine thanks for all you have done.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

That could be our baby's due date. Of course, it's too soon to know exactly when M will have her last period before we do insems, but, I've been playing around with the numbers and a July 2010 insem that results in a BFP could give us a due date in March 2011. It's so surreal how it feels so far away but yet so incredibly close all at once.

We have managed to tell absolutely no one, except my bff Christy (who is also our attorney that will handle the step-parent adoption & other surrogacy related matters) about our plans to pursue surrogacy. Our parents and family still feel that since my ovaries were removed we can abandoned the idea of surrogacy. My mom will occasionally mention about when "you adopt" and still asks questions about adoption. When she meets someone who has adopted their child, she tells them that he daughter will be adopting "someday" soon. I feel slightly, emphasis on the slightly, guilty to be lying by omission about our true plans for parenthood. My mom would be incredibly thrilled to know that we've met M and that we love & trust her and her wonderful family and she is going to make us parents. I'm not worried about what anyone thinks or fearful about what anyone might say. It's just that our battle to win the position of parenthood has been very public and the defeat was tough. I don't surrender easily and I was forced to surrender to this evil enemy also known as my body.

I know our families would be thrilled to wait the next year with us as we anticipate all the excitment that will come when M is pregnant. They would all want to meet her and her family immediately and express their genuine gratitude. In some ways, I would like that support and affirmation by telling everyone. But, there are so many reasons to keep it quiet. Our plans for surrogacy with M is a very personal secret between my dh and I. When we're together and my mom mentions something about adoption, we both nod in agreement but in my heart I know that we have a grander plan and that plan is private between he and I. In a strange sort of way, I feel as if this is how it's supposed to be. Most couples don't announce to their parents the date or method by which their grandchild will be conceived. Those moments are meant to be private, shared between the love of a man and a woman. This moment is still our moment, it is still the moment that our child will be conceived. It is, however, shared between 2 men and 2 women. A love that two couples have, both for their own spouses, and for each other. M would unlikely be doing a surro journey if not for the support of her dh. And I certainly wouldn't be engaging in surrogacy without the love and support of J. Two couples will be making a baby; two times the love; two times the commitment; two times the support. This most certainly will succeed!

There are specific daydreams that continually replay themselves in similar form. The most popular show seems to be that of our baby shower. I cannot stop day dreaming about the decor, the smiles on every one's faces, our adorable nieces helping with the presents. What I most daydream about that day is how I will be in front of some table, opening some gifts, while the perfect gift that God has ever given me will be seated in front of me. She'll be wearing the maternity outfit that we picked out together, as we've agreed to go shopping for maternity clothes together. She will be smiling and I'm sure at least one hand will be place atop her firm, round belly. As excited as I will be to receive dozens of onesies, thousands of diapers, and a collection of baby items that I'll probably only use for a few months; I am actually most excited for this woman and for what she has done for me. I want her to know that no matter what terrific baby gift I open at my shower, nothing compares to the gift she will be giving me very soon. I want her to know instinctively that I would give everything back. I've learned my lessons. Life is not about the "stuff", it's about the miracles, the acts of kindness, and the understanding of compassion. Those are values we must never let go. She, in all her beauty, exhibits those traits even today. Even when she's not pregnant, she is so understanding and compassionate about what women like myself must go through to become parents that her frame of reference has been forever altered. She has changed.

2 years

Yesterday, J and I celebrated our 2nd wedding anniversary. Everything is a matter of perspective, as I reflected on the reality that it was *almost* our 1 year anniversary. Dh & I were engaged in February 2007 and had an entire wedding planned, from the string quartet to the Cinderella pink linens, for July 12, 2008. We wanted a long engagement as I finished my master's degree and we spent more time together, as we had only dated for 9 months prior to becoming engaged. In May 2007, just 3 months after our engagement, I started to have severe ovarian pain (which was the only reproductive organ I had left since my hysterectomy a year prior) and after several doctor's appointments and finally our first RE appointment we learned the endometriosis and PCOS were becoming too much for my ovaries and they would soon need to be removed. We were encouraged to proceed with IVF immediately if we ever wanted to have a biological child. The very next day we cancelled our wedding. I called every vendor and explained to them the situation and most gladly refunded our deposits. Simultaneously, we began planning a wedding for just 12 weeks away while also making arrangements to begin a gestational surrogacy journey with an agency in Illinois. For so many reasons, including my ever-failing reproductive system, the journey had to end and our hopes of creating a biological child between us were forever shattered.

I was certain that we would immediately adopt, I was often awake in the middle of the night putting away the wedding planning material and looking up adoption agencies. For the first time, I needed to be a mother more than I needed my next breath. We returned from our honeymoon and as the Fall approached I finished my last semester of my master's degree along with PhD courses I was taking. We decided I wouldn't continue with my PhD, as I didn't want to leave my baby during the time I needed to be in class. A day after the end of the semester, they removed my ovaries. I felt even more empty than before, I was reproductively non-existent. There was nothing that proved I ever held the potential to become a mother but yet somewhere I was convinced that longing would show if they ever cut open my heart. I would have never admitted to being depressed during that time, but looking back now I realize how serious it was. I tried to cope with my infertility but the severe symptoms of surgical menopause kept me from focusing on anything at all. I was incredibly thankful that I had decided not to return to school, as I know I wouldn't have been able to manage. The next year was a blur of hormone starvation, true insomnia, and dark depression. There were 2 adoption situations that were right on our fingertips and then stolen away from me. I wanted a divorce, I wanted a baby, I wanted my uterus. I wanted everything I couldn't have.

This winter my life began to turn around as I learned to live with the existence of my marriage and the absence of my hormones. I began to feel hopeful that after a year and a half of marriage, we had agreed to start the adoption process in January 2011, just 2 years away. It seemed like an impossibly long time but I knew that I couldn't rush him, he wanted time to enjoy our marriage and despite my confusion (as I wasn't finding much to "enjoy" in the midst of my baby hunger), I knew that he had only known our marriage to be filled with sadness, rage, and obsession. I owed it to him to give him the most normal marriage I could. I knew it wouldn't be perfect and the obsession wouldn't erase itself but hopefully would slowly fade with him. I had hoped the dark depression would become a muted sadness and the fueling rage could simmer to a mild anger. I began to hope; hope that the rest of a journey to parenthood wouldn't be as difficult, hope that the next year and a half of marriage could be filled with more love, and hope that my life could become more clear and less clouded with all that has been wrong. It was at the moment that I allowed myself to have the slightest bit of hope that our world forever changed.

A bit of adoption research sparked the interest in embryo adoption which peaked my curiosity about surrogacy which made me realize that traditional surrogacy is what my heart needed. I didn't need to have a genetic child but I did need to watch my baby grow, to hear its first heartbeat, to welcome its entry into the world, to hold it first, and spend 9 amazing months thanking God that there is someone willing to risk everything to share with me the miracle of life. I met M in February, we decided we were meant to be together just a month or two after that, and now we have the relationship I've always dreamed of. We're forming the basis of a solid, healthy, committed friendship and next year at this time, we hope to be pregnant. We hope. We believe in hope. I believe in hope for my marriage, my life, and my path to becoming a mommy.

Today, my note from the Universe read the following:


One of the trickiest things about life, Sara, is that, at times, it happens so slowly.

Yet... if... it... happened... any... faster... you'd... already... have... everything... you... ever... wanted... without... learning... to... enjoy... the... ride.

Beep, beep...

The Universe

How true. Happy Anniversary J.

Random Happenings

It's been a while.

Met M & her family. Went wonderfully. Kids are adorable, love her. Extremely emotional but very wonderful visit.

2 weeks later, travel to M's college graduation party. Dh & I stay in a hotel. Go to the party and the plan is to spend the night & go to M's house the next morning for breakfast with her dh & kids. 5 a.m. I wake up to unbelievable pain and lots of bleeding from places you shouldn't be bleeding. I have no idea what is going on, I just know I cannot be late for breakfast! My body has failed me plenty of times, hence the reason I'm 5 hours from home in another state meeting our surrogate and her family! I pass out, hit my head in the tiny hotel bathroom, crying through the pain I ask dh to go get me as much Imodium as he can find. Whatever is going on must find a way to wait until after breakfast. I take 1 pill every 15 minutes for 2 hours. Dh helps me to shower and get dressed and we head to M's house. I was in so much pain, so uncomfortable, but so incredibly happy to be having breakfast (even though I didn't really eat much) with the woman who is making all our dreams come true. We leave & head home with many urgent bathroom stops. The next day I call the doctor and they admit me to the hospital. Very long story but they've diagnosed me with a form of bowel disease that is extremely rare, I'm seeing doc's out of University of Michigan now so they can try to figure things out. I'm on some drugs that are making me miserable, I'm constantly feeling drugged, and my eyes will not stop twitching as a side-effect from this medicine. Such is life, right?

A few weeks after, M comes to Michigan for a "girl's night out"! We had lunch at Cafe Muse, voted by Oprah & Esquire magazine as the country's best grilled cheese sandwich. Went shopping, got pedicures, had dinner at yummy Italian restaurant, and saw a comedy show at Second City. She spent the night in the current-guest-bedroom-soon-to-be-nursery. Dh was home when we got home from the comedy club and we hung out and they had cocktails (I had to be sans cocktail because of all this health stuff) in the hot tub. Next morning we all went to breakfast together. It was a wonderful visit. Surrogacy rocks! My surrogate rocks! I simply cannot believe that I have this wonderful, beautiful relationship with the woman who is going to make me a mommy! She's so giving and generous and so fun to be around. We will be officially ttc next July! It's less than a year away and a wonderful time for us to continue to become such awesome friends. Thank you M, I love you.

We met

Saturday we had our big get-together with M and her family. We met at her local zoo and spent most of the day and then headed to Red Robin afterwards. It was very emotional meeting her, although I tried my best not to show my emotions. I found myself constantly watching her children, wondering which characteristics were genetic and which were the creation of their upbringing and environment. Of the genetic ones, I wondered which came from M and which came from her dh, R. The children were understandably excited and full of energy and the visit during the zoo didn't give us a lot of time to just chat as the kids were always saying "look at that", "look here", "did you see that?". We were able to talk a bit at dinner, but again, a lot of kids demanding attention leaves little time for adult talk. I'm glad that M and I have had so much opportunity to talk one-on-one before our meeting. Her dh is truly awesome. I really couldn't have imagined a better support system for our TS. He is not afraid to talk about surrogacy and apparently very open about it as he mentioned he was discussing the topic with the guys at work. Although he acts like a kid himself at times, he doesn't hesitate to take care of the kids and certainly doesn't leave all the hard work to her. I'm refreshed in knowing that she'll have him around during our pregnancy. Of course, I intend to be as involved as possible and I will be there to help during the final trimester when she's too exhausted and pregnant to handle the household responsibilities.

I truly anticipated that meeting her would make our 1 year wait until we start TTC so much easier. I had expected that I would feel a calm that everything was in place and now we just focus on spending the next year becoming closer friends until we are ready to TTC. Instead, I feel like everything is aligned exactly where it's supposed to be (except for the number of 0's in our bank account that are needed to fund this journey) and now that I know her, I want to start now.

This weekend has been an emotional rollercoaster. I've had many moments of breaking down in tears at the reality of everything. I seriously can't believe that we just drove 4 hours to meet someone who is going to make us a baby. I'm torn between the stark reality that we can't make our own baby and the fairytale that someone on earth is so loving and kind that she is willing to give all of her love to us so that we can experience parenthood. They are both equally emotional, equally humbling, and they challenge my mind to think far outside of its already liberal frame of reference.

I wonder how much of my intense emotions this weekend is that I am living a secret life. No one, except for 1 friend, knows about our plans for surrogacy. At this point we are far beyond just having a general plan to become parents through surrogacy, we have a real person with a real family who will become a part of our family in the near future. I can't believe I'm planning all of this without anyone in our family knowing. I'm so glad for the secret though, because on weekends like this when I'm full of emotion, I just can't imagine having to talk about our visit until I'm ready. I'm thankful I have this private knowledge that I don't have to justify to anyone. I also dream a lot about the moment that I get to introduce my mom to M, tell her that she is going to be a grandma, and explain to her that I've known M for well over a year and I trust her, adore her, and she's now a part of our family. I'm very blessed that our journey to parenthood will be bringing not only a baby into our lives but also another family that otherwise I would have never known. God is good.

Special Delivery

M got the package I shipped to her and her kids. She said we won the kids over without even meeting them. And she followed that up with "You won me over a long time ago". I'm so glad we're so in love! She let each kid look at their travel bags but then everything was put away until their "mystery trip" next weekend. She has told them they are going somewhere but they don't know where yet. After the zoo we're going to Red Robin and the kid's have never been there before! I can't wait to take them, it's one of my favorite kid-friendly places to go! One week and 1 day!

Emotional ADD

Is there such a thing? I'm certain I must have it. I cannot be at peace with a single emotion for longer than just a few minutes. I was going to post yesterday morning that I was feeling renewed from dh's & my conversation the prior night. There is a reason for all these sick infertility jokes that God keeps playing and I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Then, yesterday I had an encounter with an old acquaintance, Shannon, who used to be very close to me and discovered that she is pregnant. She went through 7 IUI's and 4 IVF's before she was able to conceive. I was genuinely happy for her, but so sad for myself. Her journey has come to an end and she finally achieved the goal that she set out for. I tried to trick myself into thinking that I will also achieve the goal that I set out for: becoming a mommy. But then I wonder if I'm just twisting my thoughts to convince myself that motherhood was my primary goal. I just don't think it was, I think pregnancy was my primary goal. Do any of us really start off on our journey to parenthood and say that all we're searching for is a baby? If so, why do we continue with the medical interventions that could fail and the surrogacy journeys that pose risks? Why don't we all just jump to the most sure path to motherhood, through either adoption or foster care? That would make us mothers...guaranteed! (I'm not trying to diminish the feelings of anyone who has had a failed adoption, but the reality is that if you stick with adoption long enough, you're bound to have a baby). We don't all jump on the adoption bandwagon because our end goal involves so much more than just parenthood. I've known since I was 22 that I would never carry my own baby but yet there was still something more that I sought out than just motherhood. I needed a bond with the woman who would carry my baby in the way one needs oxygen. That was possible with adoption, but never a guarantee, and it was less possible that I would have that bond from the beginning. I can know thank God, and my husband, for not allowing me to rush into the adoption process as I wanted to for the past few years. I feel that it would have given me the more important part: a baby. It also would have denied me the parts that I needed most, not as a mother, but as a woman.

I was distraught last night after finding out about Shannon's pregnancy. I felt so guilty that I wasn't happy for her. I have the most incredible woman willing to make my parenting dreams come true and I still can't be happy for someone else's pregnancy? What is wrong with me? Will I ever be able to fully feel joy for someone else when they announce their news? I have the best situation that could possibly be available to any woman without a uterus, why shouldn't I be happy for Shannon that she now has the best situation available for anyone with a uterus?

After a few dozen crying sprees while J was cutting the grass, and a few more when he came back inside, I was ready for an emotional intermission. I simply needed a rest from any thoughts, good or bad. That's when I received an email from M. We are in the beginning stages of working on our contract and I had emailed her a document with all the possible fees and compensation topics and she was replying to my email. I had simply stated the topics and she would fill in the fees. In the beginning of our relationship I had asked her about her base comp because I needed to be sure we could at least afford that before I allowed myself to become too invested in the relationship. We hadn't had any further discussion about fees since that time. Her reply was heartwarming, humbling, and so gracious. I know, as does she, that she could charge anyone else a lot more than than she's asking us for her compensation. She truly is what every intended parent wants in a surrogate, she understands the emotional and financial heartache of infertility. This path to parenthood will still be expensive and we're still challenged everyday on how to afford it but she is easing the burden on us tremendously. I don't know how I ever will repay her for her kindness.

I went to Target today to scrounge the dollar bins for some kid related toys and games. I'm going to FedEx M and the kids a package next week. I'm making each of the kids a small "travel bag", with a tote filled with activities and snacks to keep them occupied on the drive to the zoo. She has 3 girls and 1 boy and I tried my best to make the boy's bag different and unique. Each bag has animal crackers, a water bottle with a straw (color coordinated to match the color of their bags, it's so cute!), coloring book and crayons, candy, window stickers (to stick on their car windows). The girls each have lip gloss and the boy bag has a magic game and some type of puzzle. I'm including a card to M and her dh along with a gas gift card so the cost of their trip can be totally taken care of. I also ordered M's graduation gift today. She recently graduated from nursing school and her party is the end of June. Thanks to some help from some former nurses I found a stethoscope that I had personalized with her name on it. I can't wait to give it to her. 2 weeks can't come soon enough to meet her!

We're meeting!

M recently graduated from nursing school and is planning a graduation party sometime in June. We knew we wanted to meet sometime before her graduation party because we thought it would be awkward to meet in such a public setting with so many of her own friends and family that she'll need to attend to. So, it looks like the graduation party will be June 27th and we're meeting at the zoo near her house on June 13th. To say I can't wait is an understatement. I'm thrilled! I can't remember the last time I've been so worried about someone liking me, I usually don't care if people like me, but I definitely care about this person!

J & I will drive about 4.5 hours and M will be there along with her husband and four kids, we'll spend the afternoon at the zoo and then we're going to Red Robin (yum!) for dinner. I can't wait to meet her!

Two weeks after, we'll be traveling back to her state to attend her graduation party. None of her friends or family know that she is pursuing another TS journey at this time. She was a TS once before, for a couple that lives in Germany. She gets pictures of her TS babe all the time (she's adorable!) but the communication is difficult with her FIP's because of the language barrier. Her family was supportive of her journey last time but they apparently had a difficult time when the TS baby had to go back to Germany, knowing they would never see her again. M wants to wait to tell everyone about her journey until after they know me as her friend. She will be able to announce that she is doing this for her friend Sara as opposed to just some random nameless person. I think that is a fabulous idea. I will be able to meet her friends and family as a neutral person, not as "that one".

A good friend from the online surrogacy was generous enough to send me a copy of her surro contract today. Since the contracts are legally not enforceable in my state or M's state, I refuse to pay an attorney to draw up a contract that isn't useful anyway. But, all the good surro rules say that you should have a contract, so we will create our own contract. My dear friend is an attorney in our state so I'm sure she'll review it and answer any questions we have. I will pay for M's legal counsel if she would like but we've already communicated with the top adoption/surrogacy attorney in her state and the contracts are not enforceable.

I emailed M and told her that I'd really like to start talking about contract details. I know our TTC plans are over a year away but I really need to prepare financially for what this will cost us. Obviously, there are countless issues that need to be discussed aside from finances and I want to be sure that both our voices are heard and we agree on something that we are both pleased with. Since we have so much time to talk about the contract hopefully there won't be any pressure to hurry up and make a decision that one of us isn't comfortable with.

There is progress! Real measurable progress. It's been a long time since I felt progression in my life.

A sigh of relief

I emailed M, I couldn't take it any more, it had been 5 days since we emailed last which may not seem like a long time but it was unusually long for us not to email. I told her that I'm sorry to sound paranoid, but it's tough to be so dependent on another woman to make me a mom...and go through an unusually long period of time without speaking with that person. So, she emailed me back and everything is fine. Her MIL was moving to their state from New Jersey this weekend, so they were busy with that, and the later part of last week was swamped with kid related activities. She said she is anxiously awaiting next year, and although she'll wait for us as long as we need her to, she's ready to start now! We're not, of course, but it's so wonderful that we have her in our life. We leave for Disney World on Wednesday and I'm so glad I've had to chance to talk with M before we left. This is just a small reminder of how difficult it will be to relinquish control to another woman, in another state, for 9 months while she carries and nurtures our baby. I imagine this is only the tip of the iceberg in understanding how impossibly difficult this will be.

Why I'm thankful it's mother's day

...because once it's over; all the tv commercials will stop, I'll no longer hear the radio advertisements, no one will ask me what we're doing for the big day, I can drive down the road without seeing a billboard reminding me to buy flowers or chocolate, and most of all because I will be able to reclaim the smallest morsel of my sanity back as I've clearly lost it during the most difficult time of year.

I hate mother's day. I speak to so many infertile women who say that they cannot wait until they become a mom so they can spend their first mother's day celebrating. Of course I don't know how I'll feel when that day finally arrives, but for now, I do not intend on celebrating mother's day. It is a day filled with immense pain for millions of people and I cannot ignore that and simply celebrate with breakfast in bed and a pot of flowers. Christmas is probably the second hardest holiday to celebrate when you are involuntarily childless, but it is no comparison to mother's day, because in the darkest moments of scraping together a reason to celebrate Christmas I can still celebrate the birth of Jesus. There is a reason for the holiday aside from Santa Clause and Christmas presents. There is no other reason for mother's day, there's no alternative celebratory reason I can conjure in my head, it is a day for mom's and if you're not a mom and you want to be, it is hell.

J set his alarm this morning to wake up early to head to his mom's. I had previously told my mom that I wasn't interested in doing anything, to which she replied, "It doesn't get any easier?". I'm not exactly sure why she thinks that extending the length of time that I remain childless will somehow make this day easier. I'm actually glad that he went to his mother's, it's a big step in our marriage. Last year mother's day was a big fight, he insisted we see his mom and even though he offered to go without me, I felt that would only make it worse. We took her out to breakfast together and the waitress asked me if I was celebrating the day. I don't look pregnant and there wasn't' a child seated next to me, but she still felt she needed to question my motherhood. I should have replied, "Oh, my! I totally forgot, I left my kid in the car, thanks for reminding me!". I think "sensitivity" training should be a requirement for every workplace. What if my baby had just died? What if I just had a miscarriage? What if I was...gasp!!!....never going to be pregnant for the rest of my life because my uterus and ovaries were stolen from me? Perhaps not the best question for the waitress to ask. So, J is at his mom's. The only condition I had, that he completely understood, is that he go to see her at a time that the rest of the family isn't there. I would definitely feel like the one who had been left out and as any infertile woman knows, that's a terrible feeling when you're purposefully missing from an event because you're the crazy woman without a uterus. So he woke up early to bring flowers and bagels and spend an hour or two visiting. I haven't broken down crying yet, instead I'm rather numb to the pain. I'm exhausted that I have to endure yet another mother's day.

I'm the type of person who plans everything and I plan as far out as I possibly can. When we have an upcoming vacation, I get very excited to bust out the luggage and start packing things slowly so that I can be sure I've packed every item I may anticipate needing. It's not unusual for me to begin packing two weeks in advance of our departure. We leave on Wednesday for Disney World and I haven't even dug out the luggage from the basement. I've been waiting patiently to pack everything today. I love Disney and it is the only constant in all my years of infertility that can make me smile no matter what. It's rather bizarre because the place is constantly filled with millions of adorable children but it is a childhood memory that I relive every time I visit. My parents took us to Disney every year of our life and I've sense gotten my dh hooked and we go as often as possible. Last year we bought annual passes for the first time! So, today I will spend my day childless and packing for Disney World. It will be a mix of depression, euphoria, and anxiety.

I'm afraid to put my thoughts into writing...but I'm nervous about M. Maybe it's been the impending holiday that is making me more sensitive that usual and I know she's been extremely busy with school and then one of her kid's birthdays this week, but we haven't emailed much at all. I just know that so much is riding on this relationship that I'm going to over analyze everything. She's busy and I know that. We're not planning to TTC until mid to late next year, so I'm sure she doesn't feel like it's critical that she emails me everyday. Of course, I would love to get an email from her once a day, but she has a life to live and 4 kids to raise. I need to relax. It's like the beginning stage of a relationship where you've already fallen too far into love but yet the relationship is still too new for any type of "where do we stand?" type of talk. I will text her and wish her a happy mother's day, she will be the only person receiving that wish from me.

I'll cry if I want to

My birthday was this week and I couldn't help but remember the song "it's my party and I'll cry if I want to." It was my birthday and I didn't want to celebrate, I wanted to be miserable because I don't have what I want most on my birthday. I didn't want anyone to sing to me, I didn't want another day of artificial happiness induced by others needs and not my own. I wanted to cry. I wanted to throw my gifts back and tell everyone that I'm only pretending to be happy because the gift I want most isn't anything anyone can buy me. I didn't. I was polite, I offered thanks each time someone wished me a happy birthday, and I told my husband that the hot stone massage he booked me during our vacation next week was the perfect gift. I lied.

To add to my birthday excitement, I had to take a significant pay cut at work. Of course, all I could think about is how this would effect our plan to save enough money in time for surrogacy next year. I know that we're blessed that we both have jobs still, but I could help but feel a little pissed off that yet again forces beyond my control are managing the conditions surrounding becoming a mommy. I get so mad at myself that this is all about money, but then I realize, it is all about money! It takes a lot of money to be a mom when you don't have a uterus or ovaries! I need that extra money to save for our surrogacy journey. I don't really have a Plan B, but I suppose I should begin to consider other ways to manage our budget so we can still reach our savings goals.

I'm so proud of M, she graduated from college this week! She'll be taking her boards within a month or so and she'll officially be a registered nurse! She had a 3.57 GPA! We haven't spoken as often as I would like because she's been so busy with finishing school. I hope we can talk more often now that she won't be in school and doing clinicals. She's looking for a job, hopefully on the L&D floor, which I happen to think is really cool to have a TS that is an RN on the L&D floor. I will be going to her graduation party, date still TBD. I need to find a gift that is personal, but not too personal, and somewhat 'nurse' appropriate.

Our happy pills

I ordered all the supplements for dh today, all of which have some type of study that shows it helps to improve sperm count, motility, or morphology. He's got a long list of pills to take and they are:

1. Selenium 200 micrograms once a day
2. Vitamin C, 500-1000 mg, twice a day
3. Vitamin E 400 international units once a day
4. Zinc 50-100 mg once a day
5. Coenzyme Q10 30-50 mg once a day
6. Folic acid 400 micrograms a day
7. B complex once a day
8. Fish oil capsules 2-3 times a day
9. Multivitamin with trace minerals once a day
10. L-Carnitine - 500mg twice a day
11. L-Arginine - 2-4g per day
12. Acetyl L-Carnitine 500 mg
13. Pycnogenol 100 mg

Hopefully we will see some major improvements with these supplements. I can't wait to do another SA in 3-4 months and see our improvement! These will officially be my happy pills if they make our sperm better! There better be an improvement too because it costs a small fortune for all of these meds. We are doing our last SA before the supplements begin on Tuesday evening. That will be 4 full days from our last ejaculate, I'm hopeful that perhaps the increased length of time will give us more swimmers. There is a very interesting study that references some of the above mentioned drugs. I'll be taking that to our appointment with Dr. O on Monday to get his advice. I'm counting down the days until we see him, I can't wait to talk with him. He'll have a total of 4 SA's, a urinalysis, bloodwork, and testicular ultrasound to review so I hope he'll be able to tell us something.

M & I texted back and forth a few times today. My heart races when I receive a text from her, it's the greatest feeling. I hope this honeymoon stage never ends. I know we'll have disagreements and there will be an amazing amount of stress in our friendship when the TTC stage begins but I know that I will always hold a spot in my heart for her only. Even if we never conceived (which isn't going to happen), I feel that she's been so supportive and such a delight to be friends with, just knowing she has it in her heart to do this for someone leaves me speechless. I love her.

I heard her voice & SA #2 results

For the first time, M & I spoke on the phone today! It was so exciting! I was driving somewhere for work and I can't think of anything better to do while driving than talk on the phone (I have a blue tooth so it's perfectly safe as far as I'm concerned), so I texted her (I did this before I started driving), to tell her I would be driving and maybe we could chat. She texted back and said she'd call in a minute. And....she did!

It was so wonderful to hear her voice. Now as we email & text each other I can visualize the sound of her voice, the inflections, and the way she articulates her words. She lives in a neighboring state but I really thought she had an accent. I asked her about it, and she thought I had an accent too. She thinks most people from Michigan have accents.

We chatted about random things such as in-laws, upcoming Easter plans, and of course surrogacy. Surrogacy did not dominate the conversation & I didn't ask any specific questions, I certainly wanted us both to feel like we were talking with friends and not partaking in an interview. I hope she felt that way because I certainly did. I was only a slightly nervous during the conversation, but now that it's over I'm asking the age old "did she like me?" question. I hope she did.

Speaking with her and hearing her kids in the background and being able to communicate so openly and honestly with her reassured me of our decision. I do not want to partake in a surrogacy journey that lacks honest & open communication. It's so nice to know I can just pick up the phone and call her when I want to hear her voice or check on the baby. This is the journey for us and she is the one to make it happen.we

Well, she's the one to make it happen assuming we can get our damn sperm to cooperate. I received the results back from our second semen analysis. I hate sperm. I'm so frustrated because I don't understand why it changes so drastically. This time we had:

6 million sperm (was 9 million 3 weeks ago)
8% normal morphology (was 40 something %)
4% rapidly motile (was 13%)

Why? I want answers. We have an appointment on April 20th with the best urologist in the state. I'm hopeful he can give us some answers.