T minus 11 days

We matched. Again. It happened a few weeks ago, we had a lovely phone conversation with an expectant mother in Utah and she picked us to become the parents to her baby boy. She's dilated to 2 and they can see the baby's head upon an exam. If she doesn't deliver early, an induction date is scheduled for April 20, 2010 at 7:30 a.m.

It's a boy, and failed match #1 was a girl, of course. The pink (and there was a lot of it) has been packed away. I'm not quite sure for what purpose as I'm constantly reminding everyone (myself?) that we're only doing this once. I only have the strength, the finances, and the desire to ride this roller coaster once. And, hell, it's not even over yet so we might still be in for another ride along the tracks and we don't even know it yet. My efforts to be positive are productive but my instinct to remain realistic trumps all. I refer to him as "the baby", but everyone else refers to him by name. This causes me to add "don't share the name before the baby is born" to my list of "things to do differently next time", even as I promise there will never be a next time. There hasn't even been a "this time".

He's being born in Utah, which means we have to fly to Utah for the birth and stay in Utah until we are cleared through ICPC (fancy name for a government agency that approves the adoption and allows us to leave the state of Utah and return to Michigan), this process usually takes 7-14 business days. Dh won't stay in Utah the whole time, he plans to return home to work so that he can take more time off when baby & I get home. I'm thrilled and nervous about the alone time I'll have with the baby. Mostly thrilled, until I realize there will be an actual baby there, and then I'm nervous.

We're ready. Almost. We have an excellent supply of clothing, thanks to friends and family who have donated to our baby boy cause. The nursery is set up, complete with gorgeous blue bedding and the softest chenille blanket I could find (which is ridiculous because I have a half dozen halo sleepers because we don't plan to use blankets for a while). Packing for an infant, who has yet to be born, to stay in a hotel for 2-3 weeks is quite a task for an almostmommy. I'm hopeful I didn't complete fail though, he does have diapers, wipes, clothes, pacifiers, and a cooler waiting to be packed with donor milk.

The donor milk is because my body, once again, failed at what it should be doing naturally. I tried, for 9 weeks, to induce lactation. I pumped around the clock, ate oatmeal for breakfast, took my herbs, increased my domperidone to 120 mg a day, and never saw a single drop. We were blessed to receive a few hundred ounces through a wonderful donor in Ohio and we'll take her milk with us to Utah. We're still desperate for a milk donor though, as the milk we have will only last 2 weeks or so. Our baby has been exposed to unhealthy toxins in utero and I want to give him the best start in life as possible and I know that's only possible through breastmilk.

11 days and counting...

Why I ate oreos for breakfast

...and, really, the worst part about eating oreos for breakfast on Sunday morning was that I just *just* purchased them from our local equivalent of Whole Foods. I had a variety of yummy and healthy options available, but instead I paid over $5.00 for a package of oreos. I did manage to stop myself after I devoured the first row.

A few weeks ago...

We discover, after an 11 month match with our surrogate, that her insurance added a surrogacy exclusion effective 1-1-10. We were crushed. The next day, I call a friend, who refers us to the adoption agency that she used to adopt her 2 beautiful boys. Within 24 hours, we were matched with a birthmom who lives 5 minutes away.

We met her, her boyfriend, and their daughter. We attended the doctor's visits, heard our baby's heartbeat, and felt her kick. The birthmom and the facilitator in California decided to devise a plan so that H (the birthmom) could make money off of this adoption. She will be flying to California to deliver. Because the adoption laws for interstate adoptions (ICPC) would never approve of 2 couples coming to CA to circumvent the laws of the state we both live in, it was recommended to H that she select a CA family. We are again, devastated.

Our homestudy is now complete, so we're leaning toward pursuing adoption (again). We actually have our profile being shown to several situations (hopefully) this week. If anything, it is in the hands of the adoption agency and hopefully is getting some visibility.

My heart is so broken. We're so angry that we were so hopeful and allowed ourselves to trust that this *must* be the baby that we were meant to have. All the failure, all the heartache, all the disappointment....it was all because of *this* baby. But, no, it was all for more heartache, more disappointment, and no baby.

I just want my arms to be filled. I want the dozens and dozens of baby girl outfits to disappear. I want to see a color other than pink. I want to erase the feeling of her kicking my hand or the sweet sound of her heart beating.

We will move on. We will pick up the pieces, once I can find them all, and put ourselves back together again. We will become parents. We will find the resources, the money, the woman who will make it happen. We will prevail.

Heartbroken

I'm so incredibly sad it's tough to even type about it. A very dear friend adopted their second baby in May. The birthfather knew about the pregnancy for the entire duration and chose not to participate. They were required to wait 60 days post-birth for it to be completely clear. On the 59th day he decided he wanted to assert his rights. It's been a court battle since then and they just had a hearing. The 18 year old birthdad showed up...with his mom. (You f*cking loser!), he wants full custody. He explained to the court that he's fit to be a parent because as long as he stays living with his mom he can afford to make child support. Excuse me? And, ladies and gentlemen, here is our legal system at it's best.

2 years

Yesterday, J and I celebrated our 2nd wedding anniversary. Everything is a matter of perspective, as I reflected on the reality that it was *almost* our 1 year anniversary. Dh & I were engaged in February 2007 and had an entire wedding planned, from the string quartet to the Cinderella pink linens, for July 12, 2008. We wanted a long engagement as I finished my master's degree and we spent more time together, as we had only dated for 9 months prior to becoming engaged. In May 2007, just 3 months after our engagement, I started to have severe ovarian pain (which was the only reproductive organ I had left since my hysterectomy a year prior) and after several doctor's appointments and finally our first RE appointment we learned the endometriosis and PCOS were becoming too much for my ovaries and they would soon need to be removed. We were encouraged to proceed with IVF immediately if we ever wanted to have a biological child. The very next day we cancelled our wedding. I called every vendor and explained to them the situation and most gladly refunded our deposits. Simultaneously, we began planning a wedding for just 12 weeks away while also making arrangements to begin a gestational surrogacy journey with an agency in Illinois. For so many reasons, including my ever-failing reproductive system, the journey had to end and our hopes of creating a biological child between us were forever shattered.

I was certain that we would immediately adopt, I was often awake in the middle of the night putting away the wedding planning material and looking up adoption agencies. For the first time, I needed to be a mother more than I needed my next breath. We returned from our honeymoon and as the Fall approached I finished my last semester of my master's degree along with PhD courses I was taking. We decided I wouldn't continue with my PhD, as I didn't want to leave my baby during the time I needed to be in class. A day after the end of the semester, they removed my ovaries. I felt even more empty than before, I was reproductively non-existent. There was nothing that proved I ever held the potential to become a mother but yet somewhere I was convinced that longing would show if they ever cut open my heart. I would have never admitted to being depressed during that time, but looking back now I realize how serious it was. I tried to cope with my infertility but the severe symptoms of surgical menopause kept me from focusing on anything at all. I was incredibly thankful that I had decided not to return to school, as I know I wouldn't have been able to manage. The next year was a blur of hormone starvation, true insomnia, and dark depression. There were 2 adoption situations that were right on our fingertips and then stolen away from me. I wanted a divorce, I wanted a baby, I wanted my uterus. I wanted everything I couldn't have.

This winter my life began to turn around as I learned to live with the existence of my marriage and the absence of my hormones. I began to feel hopeful that after a year and a half of marriage, we had agreed to start the adoption process in January 2011, just 2 years away. It seemed like an impossibly long time but I knew that I couldn't rush him, he wanted time to enjoy our marriage and despite my confusion (as I wasn't finding much to "enjoy" in the midst of my baby hunger), I knew that he had only known our marriage to be filled with sadness, rage, and obsession. I owed it to him to give him the most normal marriage I could. I knew it wouldn't be perfect and the obsession wouldn't erase itself but hopefully would slowly fade with him. I had hoped the dark depression would become a muted sadness and the fueling rage could simmer to a mild anger. I began to hope; hope that the rest of a journey to parenthood wouldn't be as difficult, hope that the next year and a half of marriage could be filled with more love, and hope that my life could become more clear and less clouded with all that has been wrong. It was at the moment that I allowed myself to have the slightest bit of hope that our world forever changed.

A bit of adoption research sparked the interest in embryo adoption which peaked my curiosity about surrogacy which made me realize that traditional surrogacy is what my heart needed. I didn't need to have a genetic child but I did need to watch my baby grow, to hear its first heartbeat, to welcome its entry into the world, to hold it first, and spend 9 amazing months thanking God that there is someone willing to risk everything to share with me the miracle of life. I met M in February, we decided we were meant to be together just a month or two after that, and now we have the relationship I've always dreamed of. We're forming the basis of a solid, healthy, committed friendship and next year at this time, we hope to be pregnant. We hope. We believe in hope. I believe in hope for my marriage, my life, and my path to becoming a mommy.

Today, my note from the Universe read the following:


One of the trickiest things about life, Sara, is that, at times, it happens so slowly.

Yet... if... it... happened... any... faster... you'd... already... have... everything... you... ever... wanted... without... learning... to... enjoy... the... ride.

Beep, beep...

The Universe

How true. Happy Anniversary J.

Emotional ADD

Is there such a thing? I'm certain I must have it. I cannot be at peace with a single emotion for longer than just a few minutes. I was going to post yesterday morning that I was feeling renewed from dh's & my conversation the prior night. There is a reason for all these sick infertility jokes that God keeps playing and I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Then, yesterday I had an encounter with an old acquaintance, Shannon, who used to be very close to me and discovered that she is pregnant. She went through 7 IUI's and 4 IVF's before she was able to conceive. I was genuinely happy for her, but so sad for myself. Her journey has come to an end and she finally achieved the goal that she set out for. I tried to trick myself into thinking that I will also achieve the goal that I set out for: becoming a mommy. But then I wonder if I'm just twisting my thoughts to convince myself that motherhood was my primary goal. I just don't think it was, I think pregnancy was my primary goal. Do any of us really start off on our journey to parenthood and say that all we're searching for is a baby? If so, why do we continue with the medical interventions that could fail and the surrogacy journeys that pose risks? Why don't we all just jump to the most sure path to motherhood, through either adoption or foster care? That would make us mothers...guaranteed! (I'm not trying to diminish the feelings of anyone who has had a failed adoption, but the reality is that if you stick with adoption long enough, you're bound to have a baby). We don't all jump on the adoption bandwagon because our end goal involves so much more than just parenthood. I've known since I was 22 that I would never carry my own baby but yet there was still something more that I sought out than just motherhood. I needed a bond with the woman who would carry my baby in the way one needs oxygen. That was possible with adoption, but never a guarantee, and it was less possible that I would have that bond from the beginning. I can know thank God, and my husband, for not allowing me to rush into the adoption process as I wanted to for the past few years. I feel that it would have given me the more important part: a baby. It also would have denied me the parts that I needed most, not as a mother, but as a woman.

I was distraught last night after finding out about Shannon's pregnancy. I felt so guilty that I wasn't happy for her. I have the most incredible woman willing to make my parenting dreams come true and I still can't be happy for someone else's pregnancy? What is wrong with me? Will I ever be able to fully feel joy for someone else when they announce their news? I have the best situation that could possibly be available to any woman without a uterus, why shouldn't I be happy for Shannon that she now has the best situation available for anyone with a uterus?

After a few dozen crying sprees while J was cutting the grass, and a few more when he came back inside, I was ready for an emotional intermission. I simply needed a rest from any thoughts, good or bad. That's when I received an email from M. We are in the beginning stages of working on our contract and I had emailed her a document with all the possible fees and compensation topics and she was replying to my email. I had simply stated the topics and she would fill in the fees. In the beginning of our relationship I had asked her about her base comp because I needed to be sure we could at least afford that before I allowed myself to become too invested in the relationship. We hadn't had any further discussion about fees since that time. Her reply was heartwarming, humbling, and so gracious. I know, as does she, that she could charge anyone else a lot more than than she's asking us for her compensation. She truly is what every intended parent wants in a surrogate, she understands the emotional and financial heartache of infertility. This path to parenthood will still be expensive and we're still challenged everyday on how to afford it but she is easing the burden on us tremendously. I don't know how I ever will repay her for her kindness.

I went to Target today to scrounge the dollar bins for some kid related toys and games. I'm going to FedEx M and the kids a package next week. I'm making each of the kids a small "travel bag", with a tote filled with activities and snacks to keep them occupied on the drive to the zoo. She has 3 girls and 1 boy and I tried my best to make the boy's bag different and unique. Each bag has animal crackers, a water bottle with a straw (color coordinated to match the color of their bags, it's so cute!), coloring book and crayons, candy, window stickers (to stick on their car windows). The girls each have lip gloss and the boy bag has a magic game and some type of puzzle. I'm including a card to M and her dh along with a gas gift card so the cost of their trip can be totally taken care of. I also ordered M's graduation gift today. She recently graduated from nursing school and her party is the end of June. Thanks to some help from some former nurses I found a stethoscope that I had personalized with her name on it. I can't wait to give it to her. 2 weeks can't come soon enough to meet her!

Why am I doing this to myself?

I really wonder if my pursuit to attempt surrogacy is more about what I'm missing than about what advantages I think might be available to my baby. I know-duh! I'm sure this thought is obvious for those who have really seriously considered surrogacy, but I'm still in the "why" stages of considering it. Why do I want to do it? Why do I want to create another life when there are babies available to adopt (yes, it takes a long time, but they are still available). Why do I want to risk so much for a baby that isn't even genetically mine anyway? I get it, I really do, want to look into the eyes of my baby and see my husband, or watch her read a book and realize she loves to read like I do. My dh is 6'7", I definitely want to create a baby that will have his athleticism and hopefully some of his red hair. I want that and I realize I will likely never have it. I'm not about to venture into surrogacy so I can naively think a baby that is 1/2 Indian and 1/2 my dh will somehow turn out to be a 6'7" red head. The possibility of that is unlikely. So, if the baby probably won't look like him...what are the other reasons?

Do I really think the genetics of an egg donor are far superior than our future birthmother? Nope. I don't. Additionally, I have proof that this stuff doesn't always work out like we envision. A close friend donated eggs to her cousin and 2 were implanted (at different times), which resulted in two beautiful children, one of which has downs. They probably attempted an egg donor knowing they would have all knowledge about her medical history and they would likely avoid any unknown medical problems. I want control, but I'm only tricking myself into thinking surrogacy gives me more control. I need to learn to understand God is the only one with true control and he's upstairs laughing at my attempts to control what ultimately lies in His hands.

I want to be pregnant and that will never happen. I want to feel my baby kick and I somehow think that being able to watch a surrogate lay on the table and see my baby kick in her stomach will make me feel better. I'm not sure it will. I need to learn to trust that God has a plan beyond my understanding. If I want to do surrogacy for reasons other than control, then I think I should do it. But, if I'm choosing it because I think I'm really going to control the destiny of my future child...I should keep dreaming!

The Illusion of Control?

Ever since my ovaries were removed, we thought we had abandoned the idea of surrogacy. What was the point if we couldn't create a biological child? Just over a week ago, I had an appointment with my therapist in which I expressed this strange sense of disconnect with other people considering adoption. It seems, through reading blogs, forums, and books, that many PAP (Potential Adoptive Parents) imagine the ideal situation for adoption is that they get "the call" in which the agency says "your baby has been born, TPR has been signed, come pick him up!". While I agree that it would be the most amazing phone call of my life, it's not my ideal adoption scenario. I instead envision a phone call that says "a young, healthy, newly pregnant girl has seen your profile and she'd like to meet you...and of course, she's available to meet you immediately because we understand you have no patience and couldn't handle the anxiety if you had to wait for an appointment to be scheduled." We meet, fall deeply in love (as PAP's and Emom's can do), and she invites me to attend every single doctor's appointment, I listen to the heartbeat along with her, receive ultrasound pictures of the baby just for me, and we even get pedicures together in our spare time. I can rub her belly and talk to the baby whenever I want, I receive copies of every prenatal test, every blood test and I can even discuss the results with the physician. Of course, I have complete confidence the entire time she's pregnant that she won't change her mind, and her boyfriend is completely supportive of the decision and has allowed us to receive his medical records for our files. I'm in the delivery room, Jason cuts the cord, she visits the baby in our home and is delighted with the joy that this infant has brought to our lives. She comes to the first birthday party and everyone knows that she is the angel who made me a mother. She proceeds to attend college where she meets her one true love and we're invited to the wedding. I'm one of the first people she calls when she finds out she and her husband are expecting their first baby together. Suddenly, my body feels as if its on fire as I experience yet another hot flash and am reminded that reality is much more harsh than my dreams.

I feel like surrogacy might be an option that suits us better than adoption because I feel like I have more control. I realize that our adoption situation is unlikely to mimic the one in my dreams. But, do I really have control? Am I considering surrogacy with the belief in the illusion of control? When I met with S, our therapist, I told her I wanted to really understand my reasons for choosing one over the other. Why do I want to fly half way around the world, spend tens of thousands of dollars, risk the uncertainty of an egg donor that we receive limited information on, all for a chance at a pregnancy? Oh, and then, we actually have to stay pregnant for 9 months and pray to God that we deliver a healthy baby (and hope that doesn't happen before I arrive in India for the delivery!). Why? Why do I want to do that? Why do I want to spend the first month of my child's life in a foreign country? What makes surrogacy such a better option than adoption that all of that is worth it? Do I really have more control or do I have a stronger illusion of control? I need an answer to this question, I need to find peace. I'm not risking all of our money, all of our time, just because I'm somehow tricked into thinking I have more control when I really don't. And, who's tricking me anyway? No one! It's my own mind, attempting to control anything I can because I realize I've lost total control of my becoming a mother. Women should have control over that. We've been liberated; we fought for the right to choose, the popularity of birth control pills, the right to not spend our lives as uneducated, barefoot, and pregnant in the kitchen. I want the choice that nearly every woman has; the choice to decide exactly when I'll be a mom and under what conditions and how many children I'll have. I want that choice without considering the genetics of an egg donor, selective reduction, or the inequity of an underdeveloped country. What woman needs a history lesson about Asia before she can adequately contemplate conceiving her firstborn?

Does either situation give me more control than the other? I'm not sure it does, I think they both equally give and relinquish control in similar porportions but different senarios. The control, or lack of it, is manifested by different means but exists all the same. So, how do I choose? I'm no further in my understanding in what choice to make. This is annoying me.

Answers from RE

We met with our RE today to discuss our options for surrogacy in India. Since we'd be using an egg donor & surrogate, there aren't any issues with "me" since I'm not really needed in this process...so we just wanted to discuss international surrogacy in general and answer a few specific questions about ET and such.

The appointment was so wonderful. Truly, it's the first time I've left an appointment with an RE without wanting to break down in tears when I got in the car. It's the sick trick they must play in medical school....the same RE that you see for IF issues is the same RE that I see for surgical menopause. Well, not actually the same dr., but the same office. The same waiting room that I sat in with my dh as we underwent ultrasounds and semen analysis is the same waiting room that I sit in now, although now its flooded with other couples with so much hope of creating a family I can hardly stand to be in the room. Only a few seconds need to pass and a hot flash will take over my body to remind me the hope of ever creating a biological child of my own is forever gone. Today though, hope of motherhood was restored, at least temporarily.

Our RE is wonderful and he's the head of the RE department at one of the best hospitals in the country. He seemed overjoyed at our decision to possibly pursue surrogacy in India. He actually said, "totally cool" as he was walking out of the room. Totally cool? I'm not sure on the totally part yet, as flying half way around the world to try to make a baby still is freaking me out, but it definitely has the potential for "cool".

After some recent forum discussions and Internet research I was concerned about the day of ET. I had read some info that suggested that day 5 blastocyst transfer was the best as any embryo that makes it to day 5 is extremely likely to turn into the cutest most adorable baby ever. I'm not sure it actually said the cute & adorable part, but you get the point. However, the clinic we're considering in India does transfers on day 2/3. To my delight, our RE also does almost all transfers on day 2/3. He does agree that in the ideal world of IF (sort of an oxymoron, as in the "ideal" world there wouldn't be IF, but I digress), all RE's would transfer only on day 5 as it could allow the most control over the number of possible babies and reduce the risks of multiples and selective reduction. However, he doesn't believe the medical advances are such that allow for day 5 blastocyst transfers. There are multiple concerns:

Concern #1: Each day the cell continues to multiply and by day 5 it could be multiplying into twins. By the time that cell is implanted & latched to the uterus, the twins will grow & develop in one single sac. For obvious reasons, this is very problematic.

Concern #2: There is preliminary evidence (both practical & theoretical) that "imprinting" could occur. Imprinting references the concern that the cells are growing for an extended period of time outside it's natural environment (the body) and the DNA of the cell is somehow permanently effected by the foreign and unnatural circumstances. They don't know the actual repercussions of this yet, but evidence suggests this is a potential problem of allowing a "baby" to begin development for 5 days in a petri dish.

Another major concern we have is selective reduction. We want to avoid this at all possible costs. I'm so glad we had the opportunity to speak with him about this concern because we learned some fascinating information. First, since we'll be using a young & healthy egg donor and implanting the eggs into a young & healthy surrogate, our chances of pregnancy are about 60% per attempt. Therefore, as few embryos should be implanted as possible. He stated that according to the ART statistics complied by the CDC, the chances of pregnancy does not increase more than 5% when 3 embryos are transferred compared to only 2. However, the chances of multiples & the risks associated with them does drastically increase. Therefore, if we do this, we're only transferring 2 embryos.

Another fascinating piece of information we learned...a twin is likely to be born 1 month earlier than a singleton (8 months gestation), and a triplet is likely to occur 2 months earlier (7 months gestation). However, when you have 3 embryos and reduce 1, thus leaving 2, these twins are likely to be born 1.5 months earlier (7.5 months). Therefore, the risks to your twins are greater when you've reduced from 3 fetuses.

He noted that is greatest concern with this type of venture is the legal requirements, to ensure that we are able to get into the country & leave the country with our baby. We will obviously be researching the laws in more depth and reading through the contract carefully. We may also consult an attorney in the states that specializes in international surrogacy. He did mention that he would like to know that the doctors were trained in Europe or the USA, as those places hold the highest standards of testing. I don't yet know where they were trained, I'm trying to find that information out now.

I was thrilled after our appointment. However, my excitement was short lived when reality set in and I realized that no one was telling me this is a sure thing. Yes, we have all the odds in our favor, but anything could happen. So, I get home and log into my private adoption forum that I haven't visited in several days. This lady has posted-who I adore-saying that she received a call last night that a healthy 22 year old college girl gave birth to a baby girl, signed TPR, selected her & her husband as the parents and the social worker is on their way to her house to deliver their baby. Damn it! I'm happy for her, I really am.....but, I want that! I want a stork, or social worker (I'm not picky), to just drop a baby off on my doorstep! I don't want to fly half way around the world for failure, I'm completely capable of failing in reproduction from right here in my living room.

How do you actually go about making this decision? Adoption? Surrogacy?

Weighing the options

Of course, my mind won't stop thinking of India, surrogacy, babies, adoption, and there's a little bit of space left to think about our upcoming vacation in 40 days.

We were confident that we would adopt. I didn't think there was a reason to pursue surrogacy if we couldn't produce a child that was biologically related to both of us. I truly wonder how I got back on this path. I'm frustrated, the infertility rollercoaster is a rough ride with dozens of seemingly impossible choices to be made. The adoption rollercoaster isn't much different, but I've experienced the heartwrenching disappointments of the IF journey that I'm hopeful the adoption journey wouldn't be so tainted. There are many success stories on both sides; couples waiting only a few days for "the call" and have their baby in their arms just hours later and couples that experience a textbook pregnancy after their first IVF. I have little confidence in my body's ability, so thank God we'd be using an egg donor.

There is a baby at the end of an adoption journey. That same guarantee isn't so with surrogacy. I know many couples that have experienced failed domestic adoptions or were in the midst of an international adoption when the country closed its doors, but knowing we would be pursuing domestic adoption and we've already done our research, there would be a baby at the end. It might be a long wait, and we may experience failed matches, miscarriages, or a birthmother's change of heart, but eventually there is a baby.

There might be a baby at the end of surrogacy. Do we gamble with every penny we have (and don't have) to take the route that is less certain? There are some amazing possibilities with surrogacy. I'm most attracted to knowning that our baby receives excellent pre-natal care and the connection that we can have to our developing baby during the pregnancy. I want to see the first ultrasound, hear the heartbeat, and know the second my child joins this world. I want to know the surrogate is caring for herself, that excellent physicans are ensuring her health, and all the necessary tests are being done during the pregnancy. I can't get those guarantees with adoption.

What if we spend everything we have and there isn't a pregnancy? We fly half way around the world and come home childless. How would we ever afford adoption? How long would it take us to save the funds to adopt? How many times would we attempt pregnancy if we weren't successful the first time? And, then, there's the actual pregnancy. Getting pregnant is only half the battle, then we must stay pregnant. What are the chances we'd have a successful pregnancy that ends with a healthy baby?

How many zeros?

It's an unfortunate reality of infertility that much of the decisions to be made are largely based on cost. I never thought that money would play such an integral role in my decision to become a parent.

I have extensively researched adoption. Since the adoption laws in our state are horrible, we know we would adopt out of state, which adds significant costs because we'd need to stay in that state until ICPC clears which could be several weeks. If there are any complications with the TPR, the stay could be longer. We've estimated that adoption would cost us approximately $30,000, give or take $5-10,000. The great part about adoption is that we know, in the end, there will be a baby. However, the sad reality is that the baby is almost certainly exposed to nicotine in utero and possibly other drugs, extensive stress, and the chances are high that the birthmother will not have a diet rich in essential vitamins and minerals. That is very difficult for us to accept. As much as I love Cold Stone, I know I wouldn't be putting anything in my body that wasn't organic, vegetarian food if I was pregnant. I don't even allow people to smoke cigarettes around my pets, I certainly am not comfortable with my baby being trapped in a bubble filled with second hand smoke for 9 months.....I digress, I'm off topic. So, the point is, we estimate the costs to be $30,000, of which a possible $10,000 is "at risk", meaning if the birthmother changes her mind prior to the TPR we will have lost that money.

Surrogacy in the states is priced out of most people's range. Since the insurance companies are quickly catching on, most insurance clauses now exclude surrogacy which means the IP (intended parent) is responsible for buying the surrogate an insurance policy (the cost is unreal, since you're buying insurance for a soon-t0-be pregnant woman) or paying for the prenatal, labor & delivery out of pocket (anyone ever looked at their hospital bill before?). So, surrogacy in India is an option that is possibly affordable for us. I emailed one of the clinics today (to remain nameless at this point) to get a breakdown of their fee structure. Here it is:

Stage I (A+B) $ 8,900
(Surrogate booking; Agreement; IVF / ICSI procedure; Pregnancy test)
Surrogate investigations, preparation, endometrial priming & booking
Legal (agreement) charges
Follicular monitoring, Procedural (IVF / ICSI) charges, Hospital stay, semen freezing, ET, surrogate care, pregnancy test

Stage II $ 7,900
(Antenatal care; Surrogate medications, investigations, special care, special accommodation, child care, diet, lost wages, Insurance, surrogate clothing)
First trimester (3 months)
Second trimester (3 months)
Third trimester (3 months)
Stage III $ 5,900
(Delivery; Post natal surrogate care; Visa assistance)
Delivery process (normal / caesarean), birth certificate
Visa assistance, DNA testing (from UK Lab)
Surrogate care (2 months) (Medications, stay, care, diet, lost wages)

Optional
Indian Egg Donor $ 2,950
(Egg donor selection; investigation; booking; fees; medications; egg pick up)
Egg donor selection, recruitment and booking
Legal (agreement) charges, agency program charges
Egg donor investigation, stimulation, monitoring & medications

Caucasian Egg Donor $ 13,550
(Egg donor selection; investigation; booking; fees; medications; egg pick up)
Egg donor selection, recruitment and booking, flight, hotel stay, food
Legal (agreement) charges, Nurture, agency program charges and ED compensation
Egg donor investigation, stimulation, monitoring & medications

To try once would be approximately $12,000 in medical costs (we need an egg donor and would use an Indian egg donor) and the travel costs to India. My preliminary research estimates the airfare to be approximately $1,500 per person and hotel accommodations to be around $300 a night. We would need to stay in Mumbai about 7 days and both of us would need to be present to sign the contract. Considering the other costs of visas, transportation when in Mumbai, food, etc. I think it will cost about $20,000 to attempt pregnancy once. That's a lot of "at risk" money. I believe it is possible to freeze some sperm in India, if the first attempt does not succeed, they could use the frozen sperm and another fresh cycle with an egg donor and we wouldn't have to return to Mumbai. Or, if we have frozen embryos left we could try a FET. I'm waiting to hear back from the clinic to see what the options and costs are if pregnancy does not occur the first time.

Here we go again

Anyone who knows me wouldn't be shocked to know that I'm considering taking great lengths for motherhood. The concept of surrogacy in India, surprisingly, isn't new to me. Jason & I considered it in 2007 and opted not to proceed. Our circumstances are different now and I've been incredibly blessed to come upon someones blog who has decided to take this incredibly drastic and exhilarating step herself. I emailed her and we've been communicating and I'm starting to believe this might actually happen. Oh, and all of this has happened in the past 48 hours. That's also something that no one would be shocked to hear, when I want something, I usually want it now and I'll go to great lengths to make my wish come true.

My wish is become a mom. I believe God exists and He has a purpose for each of us. Noah's purpose was to build the Ark, Walt Disney's purpose was to bring endless joy to millions of children, George Bush's purpose was to temporarily destroy happiness for every American for eight straight years, and my purpose is to be a mother. Despite God's best intentions, he apparently misread the manual somewhere because he created me with more reproductive issues than any woman should ever have. I struggled through most of my childhood with endometriosis, adenomyosis, and PCOS; all but the later remained undiagnosed until I had a hysterectomy when I was 22. After which, I met the love of my life. I love the phrase "the man of my dreams", but I would be lying if I called him that. I didn't dream of marriage or a tall handsome man to sweep me off my feet. I was perfectly content standing on my feet, but he made me weak in the knees and we were engaged 9 months after our first date (on which, I kissed him first).

In February 2007 he proposed to me with a ring hidden in a container of Cold Stone ice cream (minus the ice cream) and I immediately began making every wedding plan. Within 2 months, our entire wedding was planned for the following year. We wanted a long engagement, a chance for me to finish grad school and prepare for our wedding. Just 3 months after our engagement, my doctor informed me that the endometriosis and ovarian cysts were doing permanent damage to my ovaries. If we ever wanted to consider a biological child through surrogacy, we would need to act quickly. So we did. We cancelled our entire wedding the next day and immediately began planning a wedding for 3 months away. Within weeks we were beginning fertility treatment and arranging to meet with the surrogacy agency in Chicago, IL. For those that don't know, surrogacy is illegal in Michigan, and Illinois is known to have the most modern surrogacy laws in our country. There were several set backs but we continued to forge through the red tape and toward our dream. After consulting with several physicians, we were told our chances of success were extremely low. My ovaries were consumed with cysts and with my history of endo, it was unlikely we'd produce quality eggs. It was a chance I wanted to take, but with a price tag that exceeded $80,000 for surrogacy, of which about $25,000 has to be paid before we even know the quality of my eggs, we opted not to take the risk. We proceeded with our wedding and were married in August 2007.

I was finishing my last semester of grad school, while writing my thesis and simultaneously taking courses toward my PhD, so we couldn't schedule the surgery to remove my ovaries until December when the semester ended. I've often contemplated writing a book about my struggles with infertility, and although it wouldn't be appropriate I think a perfect title for my memoir would be: Everything I learned in life I learned from Oprah Winfrey. I love Oprah. Seriously, I love her. She is a true gift to this world and she inspires me to live my fullest life even in the darkest days of infertility. In October she had a show that featured a couple who had decided to pursue surrogacy in India. By the next evening, in the middle of the night, I was on the phone with the doctor in India that was featured on the Oprah show. The actual doctor. Her name is Dr. Patel and her clinic had a waiting list of 300 couples when I spoke with her. I explained to her the urgency of our situation and she was willing to move us to the top of the list. The doctor-from Oprah-was putting us at the top of her list! Jason & I discussed this in great detail. I discussed it with my RE and even consulted an additional RE for a second opinion. Everyone agreed, the chances of success were extremely low. Additionally, they would require me to have my ovarian cysts aspirated and that procedure had to be done in the states (unless I wanted to spend several months in India or make multiple trips). None of the RE's in the states were willing to perform the procedure if they were not also the dr's to perform the IVF. Ahh, the bureaucracy of the medical profession in America! So, again, Jason & I decided not to proceed with surrogacy and one month later my ovaries were removed.

We've been fairly confident that we would proceed with adoption, however, there are many aspects of surrogacy that strongly appeal to me. I'm so excited to explore our options, read about other's stories, and learn about all the possibilities that await us.