Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Why I ate oreos for breakfast

...and, really, the worst part about eating oreos for breakfast on Sunday morning was that I just *just* purchased them from our local equivalent of Whole Foods. I had a variety of yummy and healthy options available, but instead I paid over $5.00 for a package of oreos. I did manage to stop myself after I devoured the first row.

A few weeks ago...

We discover, after an 11 month match with our surrogate, that her insurance added a surrogacy exclusion effective 1-1-10. We were crushed. The next day, I call a friend, who refers us to the adoption agency that she used to adopt her 2 beautiful boys. Within 24 hours, we were matched with a birthmom who lives 5 minutes away.

We met her, her boyfriend, and their daughter. We attended the doctor's visits, heard our baby's heartbeat, and felt her kick. The birthmom and the facilitator in California decided to devise a plan so that H (the birthmom) could make money off of this adoption. She will be flying to California to deliver. Because the adoption laws for interstate adoptions (ICPC) would never approve of 2 couples coming to CA to circumvent the laws of the state we both live in, it was recommended to H that she select a CA family. We are again, devastated.

Our homestudy is now complete, so we're leaning toward pursuing adoption (again). We actually have our profile being shown to several situations (hopefully) this week. If anything, it is in the hands of the adoption agency and hopefully is getting some visibility.

My heart is so broken. We're so angry that we were so hopeful and allowed ourselves to trust that this *must* be the baby that we were meant to have. All the failure, all the heartache, all the disappointment....it was all because of *this* baby. But, no, it was all for more heartache, more disappointment, and no baby.

I just want my arms to be filled. I want the dozens and dozens of baby girl outfits to disappear. I want to see a color other than pink. I want to erase the feeling of her kicking my hand or the sweet sound of her heart beating.

We will move on. We will pick up the pieces, once I can find them all, and put ourselves back together again. We will become parents. We will find the resources, the money, the woman who will make it happen. We will prevail.


  1. My heart is breaking with you right now. I so remember the feeling and the nightmare of CA bmoms. Don't miss those days.

    Stay positive, if you were matched that fast your time is coming soon I can feel it :) You are in our prayers.

    Good luck and Baby Dust your way.

    Take care

  2. *hugs* Thinking of you and wishing you peace *hugs*

  3. Sara, my heart just hurts for you! I'm so sorry! Please try to remain optimistic and positive. Know that I am thinking of you as well!

  4. I am so sorry to hear about these losses. My heart goes out to you as I know how long this journey is. I wish you all the luck in your next steps. You are right to stay hopeful that you will be parents. The solution is out there and it will come.

  5. Thank you for this blog. It's so inspiring! I'm so happy for you! We should always fight for our dreams and goals no matter what. I also can't carry a baby by myself. I was born without an uterus. There is no chance for me to get pregnant and feel my baby pushing into my stomach. Still I'm grateful there are places and people who can help us with our problem. At the same time this is really hard to find good agency or clinic. There are so many scammers, who want to become rich, using poor people like us. There are even women, who pretend they want to be surrogates and then they get money and disappear. Unfortunately our family faced such woman. Three years ago my dh and I decided to find sm by ourselves. We thought the procedure will be cheaper in this way. We met with her and discussed everything. She seemed so kind and lovely person. After our first payment she was gone. She didn't answer our phone calls or mails. It was so hard to get back to search of another place to go. I was seeing deception and dirty tricks everywhere. After our experience we decided not to contact agencies and especially search sm by ourselves. We were looking for reliable clinic with professional doctors and high rate of successful treatments. We decided to concentrate mostly on Europe. As India was closed, we were choosing between Russia and Ukraine. Ultimately we chose Ukrainian clinic biotexcom. Reviews were mostly positive and this clinic has high success rates. Though we had some doubts about their medicine, we decided to go there and check everything. Our concerns faded away when we talk to our doctor and program coordinator. We saw fashionable design of the clinic and modern equipment. And the most important we saw so many couples there! People all over the world came to this clinic for surrogacy and de ivf programs. We have no regrets! We are so lucky we went straight to this clinic. Our daughter Kristine was born in May last year. We celebrated her first birthday 2 weeks ago. Dear, I wish you and your wonderful family all the best!